One Year Anniversary of COVID-19: Reflections of a Therapist
Can you believe it has been one year since providing therapy exclusively through telehealth? Pandemic shutdowns have drastically altered our way of life. It has also had a major impact on mental health as 2020 was a year of big emotions and significant life-changing events.
Last Spring, pandemic-related anxiety was overwhelming as individuals were transitioning to work from home, figuring out how to share space, do distance learning, and keep themselves and others safe. Organizing, board-games/ puzzles, and Zoom social events lost their appeal as the months went on. Many people were feeling an increased sense of social isolation, depression, and anxiety. College students were moving back home. Dating and social life changed. While some families were feeling increased tension, others were enjoying the relaxed pace with decreased obligations.
Holidays were being celebrated within immediate households and ambiguous grief was felt. Loss was a theme interwoven within our families, communities, and nation. In May 2020, at least 4 out of 5 American’s mental health was being impacted by COVID. Our essential and frontline workers were amid it all.
The killing of George Floyd sparked raw emotions, visceral responses, and a call for action. There were peaceful protests as well as riots that left destruction. Trauma was being experienced within the body and mind. Therapy provided a space to process anger, fear/ anxiety, hypervigilance, hopelessness/ despair, and sleepless night. Psychological distress to disturbing content, including replaying of images ignited trauma triggers, especially for those who have experienced racism, police brutality, and trauma. This was a time for difficult conversations about systemic racism and White privilege–a reckoning for justice and social change. Individuals were seeking a safe space to process mixed emotions, including White guilt and the desire to be do more and become advocates/ allies for social change for the Black community, and the greater BIPOC community.
It was stressful, even dangerous being in quarantine during a time intimate partner violence, substance misuse, and mental health concerns were at an all-time high. While the summer months offered more opportunities to be outdoors, there was also adjustment to the disappointments due to changes with restrictions on travel and celebrations of milestone events. Individuals got creative with alternative ways to still celebrate, including prom and graduations.
The upcoming presidential election triggered new wave of emotions as many families experienced tension with family and friends with differing viewpoints about Black Lives Matter and political beliefs. Individuals were experiencing anxiety, panic attacks, and in some cases heart attacks with stress. Not feeling physically or emotionally safe was experienced by individuals within the BIPOC and LGBTQIA+ community, especially leading up to the election results. Many individuals were feeling more hopeful before the long, cold, and socially isolating winter set in. Depression and loneliness were common themes.
While many people are starting to adjust to the “new normal” of the pandemic and get vaccinated, there are still many uncertainties as schools, businesses, and entertainment venues begin to open. There are decisions about return to in-person activities, what it will be like to finally meet again in person. There are concerns about future outcomes and the implications of decisions. It is a balance of having time to reflect on the past and plan for the future, while live in the present. The last year has given us much to reflect. Within the pain and suffering, there is room for hope, growth, and renewal.
“We are powerful because we have survived, and that it what it is all about- survival and growth.” –Audre Lorde.
Written By: Charlotte Johnson, MA, LPCC
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Tune Into Your Body To Increase Resiliency and Happiness
Rather than just focusing on the neck up, therapists are incorporating body work by taking a more holistic approach and integrating the rest of the body! Specialized therapeutic approaches such as somatic psychotherapy utilize the mind-body connection to bring awareness to one’s body and integrate the body within the healing process.
The nervous system plays a key role in body work; tuning-into-your-body-can-make-you-more-resilient. Amid threat, our body goes into “fight or flight”; this serves as a protective, survival response. The sympathetic nervous system plays a key role in triggering this response whereas the parasympathetic nervous system works to calm the body’s response. Our body works hard to keep us safe, healthy, and calm! Body-based interventions can help soothe our body when our brain is sending out signals of distress. By increasing somatic intelligence, one can better understand the-stress-response and learn techniques that help regulate stress responses and contribute to overall healthiness.
BREATHING & RELAXATION
One of the first places we can focus on regulating our nervous system is through breathing by using deep abdominal breaths which is known as diaphragmatic or belly breathing. Breathing can be paired with deep sighs or humming to calm. Breathing can also be combined with soothing words or images as part of meditation and guided imagery relaxation exercises.
Check out this link for steps how to do deep breathing exercises to include diaphragmatic breathing, rib stretch breathing, and numbered breathing: https://www.healthline.com/health/diaphragmatic-breathing#steps-to-do
PHYSICAL TOUCH
There are many benefits-of-touch in response to reducing stress and calming the nervous system. This includes the body’s release of the hormone oxytocin which is released during activities that utilize physical touch such as hugging, massage, cuddling, and sex. Soothing activities such as petting an animal also offer these benefits. Meditation activities that incorporate touch and self-compassion such as placing one’s hand on their heart and offering kindness is another intervention that utilizes physical touch.
MOVEMENT
Use of movement and therapeutic approaches that use movement such as yoga and tai chi often combines deep breathing along with fluid rhythmical movements that help calm the nervous system. Incorporating mindfulness for “mindful movement” with activities such as walking or yoga helps relax both the mind and the body. Simple movement activities such as shifts in posture and stretching also easy activities that you can do anywhere.
INTEGRATE ALL THREE!
Breathing/ relaxation, touch, and movement can be combined. A technique called grounding is helpful with moving through distress (especially with trauma) as it helps one feel connected to the ground/ earth. This can be paired with sensory-soothing interventions to feel fully connected and present such as physical touch and eye contact in addition to breathing.
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Practicing Mindful Sex
Feeling alone …
You find yourself scrolling through social media and before you know it, you find yourself “doomsturbating“—doomscrolling while masturbating. This outcome is not too much different than other self-soothing activities we tend to find ourselves doing while stressed, anxious, depressed, lonely, or just plain old bored.
How about watching TV while mindless eating? You may find yourself eating past your comfort level and making choices that contribute to feelings of guilt and shame. By incorporating mindfulness, it helps one to fully enjoy pleasure in the moment in activities whether it be eating chocolate or having sex. Mindfulness is about being fully present.
Mindfulness can offer a wonderful sense of freedom when practicing mindful-sex. Have you ever experienced anxiety before, during, or after sex? What is it like to have sex with a partner(s) when you are pre-occupied and insecure about your body, orgasms, or overall performance? Biological, psychological social/ environmental and cultural factors are all important aspects that affect sexual health.
Sexual relationships struggle when they are impacted by feeling detached, preoccupied, unsatisfied, or even numb to pleasure. What would it be like to feel mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually connected while having sex?
Many individuals that seek help for relationship concerns, especially around intimacy and sex often struggle with communication. Sex and sexuality are important aspects of what makes us human. Good communication can lead to sexual satisfaction and improved mental health. Communication and consent are vital to practicing mindful, hot sex.
No matter your “relationship status”, I challenge you to treat yourself to pleasure. It does not need to be sexual, although if you choose to have mindful sex, prepare yourself for something even better than chocolate!
Here are Steps to Get Started:
• Set aside an intentional time to practice mindful sex.
• Enjoy a multi-sensory experience. Indulge the senses with sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch.
• Be fully present to experience the moment rather than focus on performance.
• Practicing loving and nurturing yourself. Learn first how to be comfortable with and in your body. Discover new erogenous zones.
• Increase your comfort level to communicate. Talk to your partner(s) about what you want.
Finally, do not be afraid to talk to your therapist about your sexual health concerns. Yes, it is OK to talk about sex in therapy! Not only is it OK, but it is also encouraged.
Written By: Charlotte Johnson, MA, LPCC
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Being Mindful and Compassionate in Tough Conversations
Reflecting on the last year, there are many tough conversations that have started, are taking place in the present moment, and have yet to be had.
Tough conversations often create discomfort and can lead to avoidance. There may be reluctance to speak up due to fear of consequences. What will people think? How do I manage my own anxiety? Consider for a moment that remaining silent during tough conversations also communicates a message. What message do you wish to convey?
Having tough conversations, including conversations about racial inequalities and social justice is important as we share responsibilities in our responses, and act in alignment with our values. At CARE, we are committed to diversity and human rights; therefore, we seek to create space for dialogue while being mindful and compassionate.
As we encounter others within conversation, being mindful and compassionate can make a huge difference.
Here are Some Ways to Practice Being Mindful and Compassionate in Tough Conversations
• Recognize and embrace our common humanity.
• Take care of yourself to be fully present for others.
• Step outside your comfort zone and lean into discomfort.
• Focus on relationship building. This includes people who are different than you.
• Practice having intentional dialogue using interpersonal effectiveness skills.
• Listen to understand. Be patient with others.
• Hold space for others’ pain—their stories, others’ experiences, and viewpoints.
• Notice what is going on in your body.
• Practicing mindfulness and self-compassion, offering yourself and others loving-kindness.
Written By: Charlotte Johnson MA, LPCC
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Self-CARE Wheel
As we look toward 2021, many of us may take time to reflect on resolutions and intentions to carry into the upcoming new year. For those who struggle with disordered eating and poor body image, this time of year may be especially challenging due to the constant rhetoric and messages around programs designed for weight loss. If you are in recovery from an eating disorder, diet culture’s strong presence during this time may activate parts of you to feel ambivalent around your recovery goals. This is normal and this does not mean you are failing for having those thoughts. You are not alone!
Here are some New Year’s Resolutions and Intentions you can set for overall wellness that are not weight loss or appearance centric, which covers different domains of the Self-Care Wheel which can be found here.
Physical
Reclaiming your relationship to exercise by creating intentions around mindful movement, such as checking out JOYN. JOYN is a Health At Every Size (HAES) fitness streaming platform designed to engage bodies of all shapes, sizes, and abilities with a strong emphasis on joyful movement.
Psychological
Setting intentions around asking for and receiving support when needed. Therapy can be a great place to begin or continue this process as a goal for 2021. CARE has many clinicians who work with disordered eating, body image, and other mental health concerns.
Emotional
Taking time to allow yourself to experience and express your emotions. One way to begin this is practicing more self-compassion. In which ways can you show yourself grace when you are struggling? A great exercise to reflect on this is asking yourself how you would respond to a friend who is having a difficult time.
Spiritual
Spirituality can be defined as “seeking a meaningful connection with something bigger than yourself, which can result in positive emotions, such as peace, awe, contentment, gratitude, and acceptance.” Some intentions around this can include finding a spiritual community, incorporating meditation into your life, going into nature, and finding a cause you are passionate about to volunteer or advocate for.
Professional
Taking time off can be a great intention! 2020 has pushed many work/life balance boundaries, as many people transitioned into working from home. Some intentions to practice this domain of self-care could be focusing on taking breaks, including moving out of your physical work space to eat lunch.
Personal
Taking intentional time to think about the way you want to feel can help you create goals. Finding a “Word of The Year” can help you think about personal goals you want to incorporate into your life. For example, if your word of the year is “Connectedness” you may think of intentions around reaching out to loved ones or those you would like to re-connect with. Or if your word of the year is “Adventurous”, you might discover a new hobby or plan a trip that makes you feel this way.
There are many different ways to be intentional about creating a better YOU in 2021, regardless of what your eating disorder voice or diet culture may have you believe about New Year’s Resolutions. Continue to take time to reflect on the different domains of self-care and ways in which these intentions can align with your recovery goals for overall wellness. You deserve it!
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Stress + Staying at Home: The Rise of Intimate Partner Violence
Violence within intimate relationships is on the rise. Increased stress + staying at home + social isolation has help create a “perfect storm” for violence within the home. Being familiar with the types of abuse that can occur within relationships is an important step to recognize “red flags” to help yourself and/ or others who are experiencing or have experienced abuse during quarantine.
Relationship to the abuser does not require sexual intimacy and includes harm through forms of abuse that attempt to gain control by a current or former partner/ spouse. Intimate partner violence is considered a more inclusive term than domestic violence due to violence that can occur among heterosexual or same-sex couples. This can include physical violence, sexual violence, stalking, psychological harm through emotional or verbal abuse, financial abuse, and digital abuse.
According to the CDC, about 1 in 4 women and nearly 1 in 10 men have experienced sexual violence, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner during their lifetime.
Here is a brief definition of each form of abuse along with several “red flags” for abusive relationships.
- Physical Violence: when a person hurts or tries to hurt a partner by using physical force
- Red Flags: behaviors such as hitting, punching, kicking, slapping, shoving, or choking; use or threat of use of a weapon such as a knife, gun, or other object to inflict bodily harm
- Sexual Violence: when a person forces or attempts to force a partner to take part in a sex act, sexual touching, or a non-physical sexual event when the partner does not or cannot consent
- Red Flags: violation of one’s sexual boundaries; pressure, or coercion to engage in sexual activity; pressure to use drugs/ alcohol before engaging in sexual acts; attempts to control through preventing use of birth control or pressure into unwanted pregnancy
- Stalking: when someone repeatedly watches, follows, or harasses you, making you feel afraid or unsafe
- Red Flags: stalking one’s home or workplace, constant monitoring by the abuser or associate of the abuser which may include behavior to intimidate and harass one’s children
- Emotional and Verbal Abuse: use of verbal and non-verbal communication with the intent to harm another person mentally or emotionally and/or to exert control over another person
- Red Flags: threats (including threats using one’s pets, family, or children); excessive texting, constant monitoring or “checking in”, intimidation, insults, isolation, “gas-lighting”, placing blame on the victim for the abuse
- Financial Abuse- controlling a partner’s economic resources
- Red Flags: taking away money, refusal or limiting access to financial resources; insisting on shared financial resources then monitoring or limiting all access; creating dependence through preventing work or educational opportunities
- Digital Abuse- use of technology to bully, harass or intimidate
- Red Flags: Stalking through social media platforms, constant monitoring such as checking emails, listening in and answering private phone calls; attempts to embarrass, frighten, or humiliate on social media; threats of self-harm or suicide due to ended relationship, sending unwanted emails or messages
Red-flags-of-abuse can begin as subtle. A new relationship may move very quickly and feel good “too good to be true” at the start. The partner may be generous with flattery and attention. Subtle gestures to limit social interactions and activities may begin as well as psychological manipulation within the cycle of abuse.
Control. Jealousy. Anger.
Break-up. Make-up. Empty Promises.
Access to resources and supports may become limited. You may find yourself feeling afraid and anxious when around your partner or when they call. You may find yourself justifying physical signs of abuse, perhaps hiding bruising.
Individuals in abusive relationships may begin to blame themselves. They may feel scared or ashamed to get help.
Abuse is not your fault! Know where go for help. Here are some great resources that are available 24/7.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline
https://www.thehotline.org/
1-800-799-7233
The National Sexual Assault Hotline: Include resources for sexual assault, harassment, dating/ domestic violence, and other victims of crime
https://www.rainn.org/resources
1-800-656-4673
Anti-Violence Project: Includes resources for LGBTQIA+ and HIV positive survivors
https://avp.org/
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
https://www.crisistextline.org/
Written By: Charlotte Johnson, MA, LPCC
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Communicating with L.O.V.E.
As a follow up to the blog on CARE-ing for a Friend/ Family Member who is Misusing Drugs or Alcohol, I’d like to share some practical tools customized for parents and partners, the first tool being a 20minuteguide. It includes motivational techniques for behavioral change, worksheets, and examples of how to apply and practice CRAFT, or Community Reinforcement and Family Training strategies with your loved one. This approach was developed by Dr. Robert Meyers at the University of New Mexico and is known as the leading evidence-supported way to help partners and families support loved ones who are using substances.
Here is a list of several of the skills CRAFT teaches:
- Understanding a loved one’s triggers to use substances
- Positive communication strategies
- Positive reinforcement strategies – rewarding non-using behavior
- Problem-solving
- Self-care
- Domestic violence precautions
- Getting a loved one to accept help
The CRAFT approach utilizes a behavioral perspective as a way to think about problems. Family members who are trained in CRAFT are found to have greater success in their loved one seeking help and decreasing or stopping the misuse of substances. It takes time to rebuild trust when there are ruptures in the relationship due to substance use. These strategies offer techniques based on research that will help you focus on your own mental health well-being while learning practical ways to communicate and help implement positive behavioral change.
Since expressing concerns was #1 on CARE-ing for a Friend/ Family Member who is Misusing Drugs or Alcohol, I’d like to offer a “sneak peak” at some of the great CRAFT skills by sharing an acronym for a communication skill that will help express with LOVE: Listening. Offering. Validating. Empathizing. The first two letters (L,O) are specifically related to communication whereas the last two letters (V,E) are more about setting up a respectful environment to have effective communication.
L=Listening
Listening is such an important component of communication. Incorporating motivational interviewing techniques of open-ended questioning, affirming, reflective/ active listening, and summarizing is a very effective approach to listening.
Open-ended questions are asked by inviting dialogue, as the response goes beyond a simple one word answer. For example, asking “Did your interview go well?” is likely to generate a much shorter response than “What was your experience like in the interview?” The second example creates space to learn more about the individual’s thoughts and feelings rather than a yes/ no response. It also demonstrates interest, inviting a back and forth dialogue rather than just seeking a response to a question.
Affirmations is a way to support by being attentive to listen for the positives and acknowledging this. Giving a specific affirmation is helpful with reinforcing and praising another in a positive direction. It feels good to have positive things acknowledged such as one’s effort. “I notice that you really worked hard on your homework”. It also feels good to be appreciated and feel supported. “I appreciate your sense of humor”. “You made my day”. Noticing positives and giving affirmations is so powerful.
Reflections is also known as active listening. In this approach, you are paraphrasing what you hear the other person communicating. For example, “I hear you say that you were really hurt by the situation”. Reflections are helpful to make sure that you understand what is communicated and the other person knows that you understand.
Summaries help tie in all the above and shows that you were actively listening.
O=Offering
The “information sandwich” is a three step technique (think bread, filling, bread) that includes elements of asking permission to offer, layering information in the middle, and checking back or clarifying.
Asking permission – By asking permission you are allowing yourself to be “let in,” which can feel more respectful than not asking permission and just “letting yourself in”. It sets the tone for a more comfortable conversation, no matter how uncomfortable the topic may be. For example, “May I share a thought I had about…?” “Can I ask you a question?”. By allowing yourself to be let in, it creates a sense of safety to where the other can feel some sense of control. It also gives you a sense if the other person is in a position to truly listen.
Providing information – Once permission is given, then provide information or feedback. It helps to be given options and allow space for disagreement. Each person has the right to their own thoughts and feelings. It is also important to remember offering your thoughts rather than imposing this one someone.
Checking back or clarifying – This is considered the final layer of the “sandwich” in which you check or clarify that the information communicated was received. You want to ensure that the information was understood and also check in about how it was received. For example, “I wanted to check back about…”.
V=Validating
Validating is all about acknowledging one’s experience in efforts of promoting a feeling of being understood and accepted as well as that their thoughts and feelings are valid.
E=Empathizing
Empathizing is a way to convey understanding of your partner’s experience without the need for many words e.g. “That sounds awful” “I would have felt ___ too”. This strategy can help one open up on more vulnerable topics by reducing feelings of shame. Paying special attention to tone and attitude is important. Responding when emotions are heightened is not going to be as effective than words expressed through a lens of compassion.
I encourage you to set aside 20 minutes each day to practice CRAFT skills with a loved one who is misusing drugs or alcohol and see how this can help rebuild trust within the relationship. These skills take time to develop. Practicing within the context of a structured supportive environment such as therapy can be helpful. Imagine the possibilities of a relationship where each individual feels heard and understood through communicating with L. O. V. E.
Start developing and practicing your L.O.V.E. approach with a CARE Counseling clinician today.
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The professionals at CARE are actively collecting and creating resources to help with what you need. We’re Here for You.
What Tools are in Your Toolbox?
What Tools are in Your Toolbox?
A common reason why individuals, families, and couples seek counseling is to “fix” a problem. Imagine if you only had one tool in your toolbox. Would that tool be effective? Depends on the problem, right? It also depends on the tool. Having more tools in your toolbox is a great way to be better equipped for whatever challenges you may face.
“If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail”. -Abraham Maslow
Perhaps the “problem” is a hyperactive child or aggressive child. Perhaps the “problem” is a broken relationship — an emotionally unavailable, argumentative partner or family member. The first three sessions of therapy are critical to help understand and evaluate the “problem” and determine the “tools” that will be helpful. If you only have a hammer, you are likely missing other useful tools that would be helpful in various situations. If the only tool that you currently use is a hammer, it has likely gotten a lot of use! It may not be the most effective tool at times, but it has served a purpose. Therapy is a great place to learn how to add more “tools” to your toolbox. The therapist won’t solve the problem for you, but will help guide, teach, and encourage you with new and useful tools as you expand your perspective.
Re-framing the original presenting concern can also be powerful because not all problems are “nails”. By gaining insight and understanding into a situation, one is able to generate solutions and alternative ways of responding. Not every hyperactive child will have attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Trauma, anxiety, or environmental factors may be present. Perhaps a combination of all or several of these, or possibly none. Not every child who is aggressive will develop a behavioral disorder. Perhaps grief or loss is present. Is parental conflict, cyber-bullying, or community violence a factor? Again — perhaps a combination of all or several of these, or possibly none. Individuals and families are complex! We have unique identities and experiences which shape our lives. There is not a one-fits-all approach to therapy; therefore, therapists offer a variety of tools and approaches. This is shaped by their theoretical approaches with the goal for you to effectively learn and utilize these tools outside of session.
Written By: Charlotte Johnson, MA, LPCC
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We’re united by our commitment to providing effective, relevant, and innovative mental health support at all stages of your journey. Click Here to find out more about who we are, where we come from, and how we live out CARE’s mission every day.
The professionals at CARE are actively collecting and creating resources to help with what you need. We’re Here for You.
Dating During Distancing
The show “Too Hot to Handle” is a true test of celibacy as young singles can’t have sexual contact if they want to win the cash prize.
Written By : Charlotte Johnson, MA, LPCC
6 Keys to Staying in Love
In the dating world, most intimate relationships don’t turn into long-term commitments. This happens for different reasons: Some loving partners can’t get past the challenges that ultimately end their commitment to each other. Some give up early, not wanting to waste time on something that is already problematic; they just aren’t willing to put energy into a relationship that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. Others, determined to make the relationship work, hold on to the bitter end, hoping that their continued efforts will eventually succeed.
Many of these frustrated relationship seekers come into therapy to try to understand what they might be doing wrong. They’ve made their best efforts and still can’t make a relationship last. And they’re aware that some couples face the same odds, yet stay together. They want to know what these people do differently that keeps their love alive. Are they just lucky people who have magically found the right person, or do they make relationships work no matter what? And if they do, what is their formula for success?
After four decades of working with couples, I have to say, yes, they are different in some ways. Although they face the same issues, couples that remain together approach their problems in unique ways that don’t damage their relationship. It is remarkable to watch these couples face situations that might unravel another relationship, and yet consistently come out caring more deeply about each other.
Stay-in-love couples each have their own style, but they also have a lot in common. These six qualities are the most notable. It is my hope that they will inspire others to find their own successful paths.
1. How they resolve their conflicts.
Every couple argues. If they are honest and authentic, they accept the fact that they will never see eye-to-eye on everything. They know that differences of opinion can add interest and intrigue to a relationship—if those disputes are worked through successfully. They also know that unresolved repeated conflicts can threaten and ultimately damage relationships, and make it much harder for them to get back what they’ve lost.
In contrast, stay-in-love couples ache when their disagreements drive them apart. After a conflict, they strive to resolve the situation and make up as soon as possible. Rather than needing to win, they want to understand why they disagreed and how they could have done it better. Judgment is not an issue—inquiry and learning are. Even when they are hurt or angry, they still want their partner to feel heard and supported.
2. They refuse to assign blame.
During a conflict, so many couples blame their partner for what’s going wrong. It’s hard for anyone to look at his or her role in conflict during the middle of strong emotions. Perhaps to avoid guilt or feeling righteous, some people try to make the other person into the bad guy, hoping they will win the argument that way. Many people will cave in when they feel badly about themselves, and counter-accusations sometimes successfully win the argument.
The sadness in assigning blame is that it doesn’t work in the long run. There are always two sides to every story, and more than one way to see the truth. Every intimate partner aches to be heard and understood, even if there are conflicting realities. When intimate partners use blame to get their way, they are likely to push their partners into defensiveness, anger, or withdrawal, and risking their capacity to keep their love alive.
Stay-in-love couples know that their partner’s views must be respected and honored, especially if they are different from their own. They strive to understand them to find a truth that allows for both. That doesn’t mean they will always agree, but they know that every connection and every disconnection must be the responsibility of both. It is a “we do this to each other,” and never, “This is your fault because you’re obviously the problem here.”
3. How they respond to requests for connection.
An important part of every quality relationship is the ability for both partners to authentically agree to honor the other’s feelings and thoughts, especially when they are trying to work through difficult emotional issues.
Many partners automatically treat each other this way when their relationship is new, but as their relationship matures, they may come to feel burdened or disrupted by continuous requests for connection, and not want to be immediately available anymore. In trying to dismiss their partner’s desires quickly, they may resort to trying to “fix” the situation without taking the time for deeper inquiry. Or perhaps a preoccupied partner will minimize the other’s feelings to try to neutralize them. An irritated partner may reply in with sarcasm or even withdraw.
Partners who remain in love do not ignore a partner who wants to connect for any reason. Even if they are distracted or preoccupied, they take the time to understand what their partner needs, and decide together how they should handle it. If that cannot happen at the time, both partners make an agreement as to when they will resolve it. And they do not mock, minimize, or disregard the other’s desire to connect.
4. How they parent each other.
In every intimate love relationship there is always an underlying “criss-cross” interaction between the symbolic parent in one partner and the symbolic child in the other. It is impossible to be open and vulnerable to another human being without those interactions happening from time to time.
People are never just the age they are in the current moment. They are a composite of all the ages they’ve ever been. If a partner had heartbreak in childhood and a situation causes it to re-emerge in the present, his or her partner can help ease, and even heal, that pain by acting as a nurturing symbolic parent.
Those automatic responses are notable in the early stages of a love relationship. Intimate partners often refer to each other as if they were talking to young children. They call each other “baby” or “sweetie-pie,” and every couple knows what their unique, tender words mean to both of them. It is a normal interaction.
As relationships mature, many partners begin to feel less willing to give that kind of unconditional nurturing, and might not be as automatically available when the other slips into a younger place. When no longer loved in that tender way, the needy partner may feel abandoned or rejected. They may feel they must behave more carefully, having lost the confidence that anything they say or do will be automatically supported. The symbolic parent-child safety net that was available at the beginning of the relationship is no longer always extended.
Stay-in-love couples understand how important it is to never let those special “sweet spots” die. They know that their partner will sometimes need to feel that guaranteed comfort and safety, and are more than willing to act as the good parent when asked. They know that it is natural for people to feel insecure and young at times, and they want to be there for each other when that happens.
5. How they deal with control.
Many relationships fail because one partner attempts to dominate the other, or fears being controlled by the other. Many people had childhood experiences in which they felt unimportant and were expected to submit to whatever was demanded of them. They often bring those trauma–memories into their adult relationships, fearful of being controlled again. Those fears can lead people to push for a partner’s automatic compliance, to allay that anxiety. Many partners alternately pull a partner close and then push him or her away, fearing that intimacy and commitment will lead to entrapment and being controlled.
Stay-in-love partners know that the need to feel in control at times is natural. It allows a person to be fully respected as the stronger one in the relationship at that moment. The other partner has confidence in his or her own autonomy to not react defensively or take it personally. He or she doesn’t feel the need to either counter-control or to automatically submit. Comfort with the situation allows them to seek understanding about what may be driving those behaviors. They also know that they will need to be the need-to-control partner at other times, and will receive the same understanding and respect.
These couples also know how quickly interactions can deteriorate if both want to be in control at the same time. When those situations arise, they work to stay centered and calm, agreeing to take turns listening to what each other need and feel. When they fully understand what both of their desires for control are about, they decide how to best help each other get their underlying needs met.
6. How they respond to urgency.
Newly-in-love couples are most often each other’s first priorities, so they respond immediately to their partner’s distress signals. As life’s obligations intervene and the couple resumes their normal routines, those requests must be absorbed into other priorities. Even though they may realize that being the center of someone’s life naturally somewhat diminishes over time, many partners feel neglected when that happens. They may become more demanding or feel neglected, and begin to blur the line between truly important requests and less urgent ones, fearful that neither may be met.
Stay-in-love couples are authentic, open, and self-reliant, but they also urgently need one another at times. They trust that the other will never take advantage of that immediate availability, and that when an urgent S.O.S. call goes out, their partner will rapidly respond without question or challenge. They trust that those requests are not expressed fraudulently or without concern for the other’s needs. Stay-in-love partners understand the sanctity of personal boundaries, and take pride in their own autonomy. They have learned that one of the most important qualities any person can have is the ability to love again after loss. That drives them to practice forgiveness and humility when a conflict is over. Their mutual goals are to resolve and to reconnect, leaving distress behind as soon as possible.
They know that love must include always living in each other’s hearts, whether they are together in the same place or temporarily separate. They know that the future is unwritten and that they can be taken from each other at any time. The acceptance of that truth continuously reminds them that their relationship is only as good as they are able to re-create it in each present moment.
By Randi Gunther Ph.D.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/rediscovering-love/201701/6-keys-staying-in-love
