For many of us, we tend to get stuck on negative thinking. For some reason, our brains defer to the negative. According to the National Science Foundation, 80% of our thoughts are negative and 95% of our thoughts are repetitive. WOW. That is a lot of negative, repetitive thoughts!
For many of us, we tend to get stuck on negative thinking. For some reason, our brains defer to the negative. According to the National Science Foundation, 80% of our thoughts are negative and 95% of our thoughts are repetitive. WOW. That is a lot of negative, repetitive thoughts!
Have you ever felt like navigating thoughts, feelings, and reactions to situations is like navigating through an active minefield? One wrong move, and the bomb explodes with the “what if’s” or “I should be’s.”
During childhood, we learn lesson-by-lesson how to take care of ourselves. Many lessons pertain to our health—such as bandaging a scrape so it doesn’t get infected. But typically, our childhood health lessons involve only physical health. What are kids taught to do when they feel lonely? Or when they feel rejected by other kids? The answer, usually, is nothing.
Why is physical health prioritized more than psychological health? Psychological health weathers many wounds—some might even argue we experience more emotional wounds than physical. These wounds—such as feelings of failure, inferiority, anxiety, rejection, loneliness—routinely get infected and worsen because we don’t know how to treat them. In fact, it doesn’t even occur to us that we should.
These emotional and psychological wounds impact our lives for years, often more than we realize. We tell ourselves that these problems are in our head, that they will go away and we will return to “normal” eventually. But imagine if we treated a broken leg the same way: We would likely never walk again.
Our quality of life would dramatically improve if we learned and practiced emotional hygiene. We would cope better with difficult situations and build emotional resilience. Even though we don’t learn how to do this as kids, there are many proven ways to prevent and treat psychological wounds throughout life. Below are a few.
What is our natural inclination when something is bothering us? We think and think in a vicious, negative cycle about everything that is wrong. This is an instinctive tendency that only wounds us further; it is also one of the most challenging habits to break.
According to Psychology Today, recent neuroscience shows that we can train ourselves to self-regulate negative emotions and rewire our brains to move toward loving/kindness, empathy and positive emotions. So every time you start to focus on the negative, distract yourself—even if only for two minutes.
One way to battle negative thinking is through meditation. Meditation is often seen as the practice of controlling the mind and stopping all thought, but that doesn’t work for most people. If meditation instead involved stepping back from our thoughts and looking at them with a relaxed, focused mind, we might have a better chance at reducing everyday stress. So how can we achieve this? Take each thought—one at a time—and focus on it. Is it really important? Is this thought productive? Then move on. Consider each thought like a cloud in the sky. Focus on one thought at a time to determine what it resembles, then let it pass by so you can move your attention to the next.
One of the hardest thought cycles to let go of is when we feel as though we have failed at something. A typical response to failure is self-blame and an attempt to gain something positive from the experience: a new perspective, a lesson, motivation to work harder, etc. While this may seem like the most productive response, it isn’t, according to the Harvard Business Review.
The only way we should respond to failure is with empathy. We must greet our failures with the understanding that it’s okay to fail. We must stop trying to derive something positive from a negative. We should accept our mistakes and not blame ourselves for what happened. Life is messy, and it’s normal not to be perfect.
If your friend was feeling down, how would you make them feel better? Maybe you would validate their feelings, offer support or reminisce on something positive. Showing this kind of compassion and understanding is what a good friend does—so why don’t we do the same for ourselves?
Rather than berating yourself for negative feelings or failures, treat yourself the way you would treat a close friend. Tell yourself that you understand what you’re going through and that you shouldn’t feel bad for having a hard time. Ask yourself, “What can I do that would make me feel better?” Also think about a time when you felt good, and try to harness what that felt like. These are all things we hope our friends will do for us, but we are more than capable of providing this kind of compassion to ourselves.
According to the New York Times, loneliness has been linked to physical illness, functional and cognitive decline, and even early death. Research also shows that people who feel lonely are more likely to isolate themselves even further. This is because loneliness changes the way our brain functions and causes people to subconsciously guard themselves and go into self-preservation mode.
With that in mind, seek out relationships that make you feel connected. It doesn’t help just to be around other people; loneliness doesn’t always mean you are literally alone, but rather that you feel socially disconnected. Take a class, rekindle an old friendship, Skype your family members, volunteer at your local community center or do anything else you can think of to force yourself out of isolation.
Sometimes we can become socially disconnected because we are too busy. Having time to recharge is essential for our minds. New York Times writer Tim Kreider comments that “idleness is not just a vacation, an indulgence or a vice; it is as indispensable to the brain as vitamin D is to the body, and deprived of it we suffer a mental affliction as disfiguring as rickets.”
According to the research article “Rest Is Not Idleness: Implications of the Brain’s Default Mode for Human Development and Education,” rest allows the brain to process any new information that it has absorbed, work through unresolved conflicts and reflect. Rest can also help lower levels of stress and anxiety and increase our memory and ability to focus. So use your personal days!
Slowing down also gives us time to appreciate what we have. Research supports an association between gratitude and an overall sense of wellbeing. Consciously practicing grateful thinking each day can strengthen connections with other people, reduce anxiety and depression, and improve self-worth.
Wake up each morning with the question, “What do I appreciate about my life?,” and write down a few things, even if they are simple or obvious. In time, you will feel a positive effect on your outlook. It is not happiness that makes us grateful—it is gratefulness that makes us happy.
These are only a few of the many methods to practice mental health and achieve psychological well-being. While implementing these practices into your life can be challenging (because they are often opposite to our natural instincts), they can make a huge positive impact in your life.
Laura Greenstein is communications coordinator at NAMI.
Note: This piece is a reprint from the Spring 2017 Advocate.
https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/August-2017/Lessons-We-Missed-as-Kids-Practicing-Mental-Healt
There’s a moment in Oscar Wilde’s novel The Picture of Dorian Gray when the title character declares war on his feelings: “I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions,” Dorian says. “I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.” Basil Hallward, the artist who had painted Dorian’s portrait, becomes fearful of his subject’s newfound aggression: “You talk as if you had no heart, no pity in you,” he says. But Dorian, in the throes of an existential crises, isn’t listening; he wants control, most especially over how he feels.
It’s not an uncommon desire. In fact, it may be a near-universal one. With varying levels of success, we try to hold on to good emotions and ward off the bad ones — but research suggests that those efforts, at least when it comes to negative feelings, may be misplaced.
For many, accepting our negative emotions appears counterproductive, especially because it gets in the way of what motivates us. Our negative emotions can act as catalysts and adrenaline boosts — nervousness in the face of a closing deadline, for instance, might help push you to finish your task on time. Often, though, people don’t use their negative emotions so productively; instead, many tend to get stuck in their negativity, spiraling downwards. It’s hard to accept your emotions — both positive and negative — and let them pass by. Dorian Gray certainly never could.
But studies have shown that the ability to embrace your negative feelings can provide a slew of benefits. Those who accept all their emotions without judgment tend to be less likely to ruminate on negativity, less likely to try to suppress mental experiences (which can backfire by amplifying these experiences), and less likely to experience negative “meta-emotional reactions,” like feeling upset about feeling upset. Or, as the authors of a recent study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology put it: “When people accept (versus judge) their mental experiences, those experiences run their natural — and relatively short-lived — course, rather than being exacerbated.”
This latest study, led by University of Toronto assistant psychology professor Brett Ford, explored the link between one’s acceptance of negativity and one’s well-being. The researchers first set out to discover if and how the acceptance of negativity benefits psychological health, and whether this kind of acceptance works for everyone across socioeconomic, gender, and racial divides. Around 1,000 study subjects filled out surveys about their mindfulness, life satisfaction, depressive symptoms, anxiety symptoms, and the number of stressful events they’d been through over the course of their lives.
Ford and her colleagues found that those who accepted their negative feelings were, on average, also more psychologically healthy. They also found that the factor most strongly linked to participants’ well-being wasn’t a low-stress life — rather, it was the capacity to accept life’s difficulties and one’s own negative feelings non-judgmentally.
On the face of it, this is a counterintuitive idea. A person with, say, no medical or financial issues — someone who should theoretically have low stress — ought to have greater well-being than a poorer, less healthy person who’s working 70 hours a week. And yet if the latter person is better at accepting the negative experiences that come with his objectively more difficult life, this study suggests, she may be happier than the person who has fewer stressors in life.
In order to further prove this apparent paradox, the researchers recruited 160 women, half of whom had experienced a life stressor “of at least moderate impact” within the past six months, to complete a neutral task (watching a movie clip) and then a stressful task (giving a three-minute video-recorded speech on their job qualifications in front of an audience). During both tasks, the women rated their own emotional experiences; once again, Ford found that the people who were more accepting of their negative mental states reported less intense negative feelings.
Finally, to test their findings with a more diverse set of participants, Ford and her colleagues had 222 men and women complete diary entries every night for two straight weeks, making note each night of the stressful events they’d experienced during the day. Some reported particularly high-stress moments, like receiving a phone call from a son in prison, while others had mostly mild stressors, like low-key arguments with a romantic partner. For each entry, participants also rated the extent to which they felt 12 negative emotions: sad, hopeless, lonely, distressed, angry, irritable, hostile, anxious, worried, nervous, ashamed, and guilty.
Once again, acceptance was associated with greater psychological health, but with an added layer of nuance: The correlations showed that accepting negative situations was not associated with increased psychological health. Rather, it was the acceptance of one’s state of mind that came from negative situations that best indicated psychological well-being.
Taken together, Ford says, the results across all three experiments “underscore the broad relevance of acceptance as a useful tool for many people.”
“The overall take-home message is that emotions are naturally short-lived experiences,” she says, and if we let them wash over us instead of trying to push them away, “these emotional experiences would actually pass relatively quickly.”
Still, opening your arms to all your negative feelings is easier said than done in a culture where happiness is considered a virtue. We tend to valorize the pursuit of positivity, while ignoring or dismissing the importance of a well-rounded emotional experience. Happiness, the thinking still often goes, is the absence of negativity rather than the acceptance of it. But the research says otherwise — you can’t always control your emotions, but you can control how you respond to them. Sometimes it’s best to let yourself feel okay about feeling bad.
By
https://www.thecut.com/2017/08/youll-be-happier-if-you-let-yourself-feel-bad.html
