Tag Archive for: CARE Counseling

What I’ve Learned about Relationships and Mental Illness

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Relationships and mental illness — can it work out? People who struggle with mental health issues might find themselves wondering if they can handle a relationship as well. I know I did. After all, it’s hard to think about being with another person when some days just managing life feels hard.

I didn’t date that much in my twenties. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at the age of 19, and I honestly thought that being in a relationship would be too much stress. I had all these worries — what if I wasn’t fun to be with? What if my partner got fed up with my issues and left? What if I wasn’t ready to deal with being in a relationship alongside dealing with my mental health?

And worst of all — what if I told someone about my mental health issues and they ran in the opposite direction? There’s such a stigma about mental health that I worried a lot about how my prospective partner might react.

I’m nearly 40 now and have been happily married for 15 years. Along the way, I’ve learned a few things about balancing a relationship together with mental health issues. Here’s what I’ve learned about relationships and mental illness.

  1. They Are Totally Compatible

Having a relationship is as possible for you as it is for anyone else! Whether we have mental health issues or not, each person comes with their own “stuff.” A mental health condition doesn’t have to be a barrier to a healthy relationship. Yes, it does take a bit of work, but it’s totally doable.

  1. But You Have to Find the Right Person

The key to having a good relationship is to find the right person. You’ll need someone who is open minded about mental health and empathic enough to be willing to learn and understand. Someone who shows patience when you are having a rough day.

  1. Disclosure Is a Must

Keeping your mental health a secret puts immense pressure on you, and that stress will only add to your problems and make your symptoms even worse. To have a successful relationship you need to know you can be open about your issues, even on your worst days.

  1. But Pick Your Time

Knowing when to disclose is a tough call. On one hand, you probably don’t want to mention it on the first date. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, but it is very personal. On the other hand, you don’t want to get really invested in the relationship only to find out they can’t handle it. I waited until it was obvious this was more than just a handful of dates, before we made any commitments

  1. Know Your Limits

Your mental health condition most likely put some limits on what you can do in a day. For me, I know if I get too stressed, my anxiety gets worse. So I have to take things more slowly than some people. Stress might affect you in a completely different way, but be aware when it does.

  1. But Don’t Make Your Partner Responsible

Ultimately, only you are responsible for your behavior and for managing your mental health. It’s a good idea to make your partner aware of how your condition affects you and it’s absolutely ok to ask them for support — but don’t make them responsible for you. For example, sometimes my depression makes it hard for me to get motivated for a night out, but I don’t stop my husband from going out. My depression is not his problem to solve.

A healthy relationship can actually boost your mental health by bringing joy, laughter, and support into your life. If you’ve been worrying about having a relationship because of your mental health, I’d say, why not give it a try? Just be aware of your needs and limits — make sure the relationship is nourishing, not draining, you!

By 

Getting Involved With Minority Mental Health

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Mental health conditions do not discriminate based on race, color, gender or identity. Anyone can experience the challenges of mental illness regardless of their background. However, culture, race, ethnicity and sexual orientation can make access to mental health treatment much more difficult.

America’s entire mental health system needs improvement, including when it comes to serving marginalized communities. When trying to access treatment, these communities have to contend with:

  • Language barriers
  • A culturally insensitive system
  • Racism, bias and discrimination in treatment settings
  • Lower quality care
  • Lower chance of health care coverage
  • Stigma from several angles (for being a minority and for having mental illness)

These are all in addition to the usual road blocks. Many cultures also view mental health treatment as a luxury, considering symptoms a “phase” that will eventually pass. These harmful perceptions of mental illness can further isolate individuals who desperately need help.

We can all help ignite change against these disparities and fight stigma this Minority Mental Health Awareness Month. It simply starts with learning more about mental health and informing your community.

Consider Giving A Presentation

Starting conversations about mental health in your community may feel intimidating—especially if your community views mental illness as a personal fault or weakness. But the more we talk about mental illness, the more normalized it will become. And NAMI is here to help!

Consider giving NAMI presentations to your community, like Sharing Hope for the African American community and Compartiendo Esperanza for the Hispanic and Latino communities. These presentations go over the signs and symptoms of mental health conditions as well as how and where to find help. If neither of these presentations fit your background, feel free to use them as models to create your own presentation tailored to your community’s needs.

Emphasize Treatment

Make sure to stress the importance of a culturally competent provider. These mental health professionals integrate your beliefs and values into treatment. To find a provider that does this, you may have to do a significant amount of research. In addition to searching online, you can also ask trusted friends and family for recommendations or ask for referrals from cultural organizations in your community (like your local AKA Chapter).

In your first session, make sure to ask any questions you may have about the professional’s cultural competence. For example:

  • Do you have any experience treating someone from my background?
  • Have you had any cultural competence training?
  • How would you include aspects of my identity into my care?

Be confident when disclosing relevant information about your beliefs, culture, sexual orientation and/or gender identity that could potentially affect your care. Your provider will play a vital role in your treatment, so make sure you feel comfortable and can communicate well with them before committing to them. Remember: If you feel like your provider doesn’t understand you, it’s okay to leave. Cultural competency is very beneficial to effective treatment. It might take a bit of effort to find the right fit, but recovery is worth it.

Share Your Story

When a person experiences symptoms of mental illness, one of the most helpful and comforting feelings is knowing that they’re not alone. It can be incredibly reassuring to know in this moment right now, someone else is going through similar struggles as you are—regardless of where they are, who they are, or how they identify.

If you’re ever feeling isolated or that your community doesn’t understand mental illness, explore story-sharing platforms like Ok2Talkand You Are Not Alone. On these platforms, everyday people write about their deepest struggles with mental illness and their hopes for recovery. If you feel comfortable, post your thoughts and feelings about or experiences with mental illness—it’s rewarding to know you are helping others feel less isolated.

Minority Mental Health Awareness Month is an opportunity to raise awareness and stop stigma in diverse communities. It’s time to improve the harsh realities minority communities face when it comes to mental illness treatment. In fact, it’s long overdue.

By Laura Greenstein

https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/July-2018/Getting-Involved-with-Minority-Mental-Health

How Fireworks Can Trigger PTSD

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You may see the signs popping up around your neighborhood this July 4—red, white and blue notices that indicate the home of a vet with the request to “Please be courteous with fireworks.”

The signs are the work of a Facebook-launched nonprofit, Military With PTSD, begun by Shawn Gourley, whose husband, Justin, served in the Navy for four years and returned with post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Sudden and loud noises can trigger episodes of PTSD, bringing veterans back to traumatic experiences they have lived through during their service. According to the U.S. Department of Veteran Affairs, up to 20% of military personnel who served in Iraq or Afghanistan experience PTSD each year.

The signs are posted on the lawns of veterans’ homes to alert people to be more considerate when setting off fireworks in the area. According to Gourley, who spoke to CNN, the group has mailed 2,500 signs, some of which were paid for by donations and others by the vets themselves, while 3,000 people remain on a waiting list.

The signs are not meant to quash any Fourth of July celebrations, but to raise awareness that the explosive sounds, flashes of light and smell of powder may trigger unwelcome memories for some. “If you are a veteran, on the one hand July 4th should be one of the most patriotic holidays that you feel a part of,” says Dr. John Markowitz, professor of psychiatry at Columbia University. “On the other hand, the rockets’ red glare and the bombs bursting in air are likely to evoke traumatic memories, and you might want to hide. It’s a tricky one.”

Having advanced knowledge of a fireworks display can help some people with PTSD to better prepare and cope with any symptoms they may experience. “A big component of the startle response and PTSD is the unexpected,” says Rachel Tester, program director of the Law Enforcement, Active Duty, Emergency Responder (LEADER) Program at Harvard Medical School’s McLean Hospital. “When people are able to anticipate, they are able to put into place mechanisms they have to cope ahead of time.”

That might include things such as relaxation techniques or being able to see the fireworks show and therefore know that they’re coming, as well as having headphones, music or other distractions at the ready.

Such strategies may not work for every PTSD patient, but being more aware that the explosive celebrations of the holiday might affect those with PTSD is an important step toward ensuring that everyone can enjoy the holiday without fear, anxiety or pain.

By ALICE PARK

http://time.com/3945001/fireworks-ptsd/

Opioids And Substance Abuse: What Can We Do?

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Opioids and other substances that alter how we feel, think and act have overtaken our culture, and have been declared a public health epidemic. We are losing our loved ones, friends, co-workers and neighbors to these substances. But we have yet to implement the solutions that will beat back this epidemic, as we have so many others, like HIV/AIDS, polio, smallpox and tobacco.

Substance use and abuse—of opioids, heroin, cannabis, stimulants, alcohol, etc.—is universal and the casualties of drug addiction affect all classes, races and regions of the U.S. These substances are too frequently used as an answer to pain, mental and physical, and have become a cure-all for people who’ve fallen on hard times. That’s why so many people use them and that’s why so many people become addicted.

Substance use disorders commonly co-occur with mental health conditions, especially serious mental illness like schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, depression, eating disorders, PTSD and other forms of trauma. People with mental illnesses often turn to drugs and alcohol to quiet their symptoms, and drugs and alcohol can adversely affect our nervous system and increase risk for mental illness.

The Solution

We are failing with this epidemic because of this country’s dogged attachment to policies and programs that have never worked for addiction. Vast sums of money continue to be wasted on campaigns of drug control and on public messages, especially for youth, that rely on scare tactics. We can and must do better. We can beat this epidemic with three public health approaches.

  1. Prevention. This includes school-based programs that provide youth with decision-making skills and methods of controlling their moods and impulses. One proven program is called the Life Skills Training. Prevention also extends to the family, such as “positive parenting,” or actively modeling and teaching children about positive behaviors. Big Brother/Big Sister programs—where an older youth of the same background takes on a younger, high-risk child—is also highly protective. These prevention programs work, and we have hardly started to apply them.
  1. Screening. Early identification of a problem means early intervention, before the substance use disorder becomes more firmly rooted. We have good screening instruments, (such as the Alcohol, Smoking and Substance Involvement Screening Test), and need to make them standard practice in schools, pediatric and family medicine offices.
  1. Treatment. Families and people affected by addiction should advocate for the strong, comprehensive treatment approach they need. Effective treatment means first detecting the presence of a co-occurring mental (or physical) condition and assuring it’s also treated. Treatment for a substance use disorder should then combine:
  • Cognitive therapy that focuses on reducing the triggers of relapse
  • 12-Step programs like Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous
  • Family education and support
  • Medications

This public health epidemic that is seizing our country can be beaten. And by following these steps, we save lives, help families and restore communities.

 

Dr. Sederer is a psychiatrist, public health doctor and medical journalist. His new book is The Addiction Solution: Treating Our Dependence on Opioids and Other Drugs(Scribner, 2018). www.askdrlloyd.com.

https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/June-2018/Opioids-and-Substance-Abuse-What-Can-We-Do

You Can Be Prepared For Crises

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Each year, there are about 5 million visits to emergency departments due to mental illness. Five million people whose symptoms escalate to the point of crisis. Five million people who don’t understand what’s going on or what to do and rush to the ER.

However, this number doesn’t include the people who experience mental health crises without going to the ER—people who are scared and unsure if their situation is a “true emergency.” This number also doesn’t account for the caregivers and loved ones of those experiencing a mental health crisis, standing beside someone they care for, watching them struggle, unsure of how to help.

Mental illness is unpredictable by nature and crises can, do and will happen. Although these crises can’t always be prevented, it is possible to be prepared.

Learn As Much As You Can

The first step in being prepared is gathering any information, resources and support that is available. Start by fully understanding your loved one’s condition: What are the primary symptoms? How can you tell if symptoms are getting more severe? What can you do to support them? And the list goes on. It can be helpful to go with your loved one to see their mental health professional, so you can ask these questions and any others you may have.

Next, learn more about what a mental health crisis is and what to expect when one occurs. NAMI’s new guide: “Navigating a Mental Health Crisis: A NAMI Resource Guide for Those Experiencing a Mental Health Emergency” is a great resource. This free, downloadable guide offers practical strategies on how to deescalate a crisis, information about available resources, tips for advocating for a person in crisis and a sample crisis plan. Details like these are often critical in supporting your loved one during a crisis.

Make A Crisis Plan

Creating a crisis plan should be a collaboration between your loved one and you. The best time to develop this plan is when things are going well. Take the time to ask them questions that will help build a crisis plan, like: What would be most helpful for you? What would you like to do? Who would you like to call? Waiting to ask these important questions can make it difficult to make decisions during a crisis episode.

A crisis plan should include:

  • Your loved one’s general information (date of birth, social security number, insurance information, etc.)
  • Current medications and dosages
  • Current diagnoses
  • History of suicide attempts, drug use or psychosis
  • Addresses and contact information for nearby crisis centers or emergency rooms
  • Contact information for health care professionals
  • A determined behavior/symptom that would prompt going to the hospital or calling 911

Once you create a plane, share it with family members, mental health professionals or anyone else you think should have it. Make sure to update it whenever there is a change in diagnosis, medication, treatment or provider. A crisis plan can be a life-saving resource, so keep it up-to-date and in a safe place.

Notice Behavior Changes

A person with mental illness will typically experience changes in their behavior before a crisis occurs, such as sleeplessness, mood swings or paranoia. These changes are warning signs and shouldn’t be ignored. “Psychiatric illnesses, for the most part, evolve slowly, so there’s going to be a lot of warning,” says Dr. Daniel Lieberman to U.S. News and World Report.

If you notice warning signs, talk to your loved one and encourage them to visit their treating mental health care professional or doctor. “If somebody has a relationship with an outpatient psychiatrist, that’s the first place to go,” Lieberman says.In many cases, there might be enough time to get in contact with a provider before escalating symptoms become a crisis.

Mental health crises can be frightening for everyone involved. However, being prepared can take away some of the fear and uncertainty around what to do and how to help your loved one. Your preparation and support alone can help deescalate a crisis situation—just knowing you’re there, as a stable force, can be an enormous comfort.

By Laura Greenstein

https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/June-2018/You-Can-Be-Prepared-for-Crises

Why Do We Have The Feeling That We Are Not Enough?

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Mike believed he had a good life and felt lucky for all the things he had. He was married to a loving wife, had a good job, owned a nice house and had three healthy kids.

Despite all his good fortune, Mike could not shake the nagging feeling that he wasn’t enough: “I should be more successful. I should make more money. I should be where my boss is. I should have a graduate degree. I should have a bigger house. I should have more friends.” These were some of the “shoulds” that plagued him daily.

“Could I get you curious about this part of you that feels inadequate?” I asked Mike during our first meeting. “Let yourself travel back in time. How old were you when you first felt ‘not enough?’”

He paused to reflect. “It’s definitely been with me a long time,” he said. “Maybe six or eight years old?”

Mike’s father had become extremely successful when Mike was six years old. Because of his father’s new job, his family moved to an exotic country where no one spoke English. Mike was scared and felt like a stranger. Even though he attended an international school, he had no friends for a long time.

His parents pushed him; they meant well and were trying to encourage him. But feeling scared and overwhelmed by the many changes in his life, he misinterpreted their words as disappointment that he wasn’t enough—it was the familiar feeling he still had today.

Showing Self-Compassion

We are not born feeling inadequate. Life experiences and emotions create that sense within us in a variety of ways. For example, when we were little, and we felt afraid or anxious, our mind told us something was wrong with us, not our environment. A child’s mind, not yet rational, concludes, “There must be something wrong with me if I feel so bad.” That’s why children who were abused or neglected grow up to be adults who carry so much shame. They likely spent years telling themselves: “I must be bad if I’m being treated badly.”

As adults, armed with education on emotions and how childhood adversity affects the brain, we can understand that feeling “not enough” is a byproduct of an environment that was insufficient. We are in fact enough! Yet to feel more solid, we must work to transform that “not enough” feeling.

One way to transform old beliefs is to work with them as separate parts of ourselves. With some mental energy, we can externalize ailing parts of us and then relate to them in ways that heal old wounds.

For example, I asked Mike, “Can you imagine that the 6-year-old boy inside you, who feels ‘not enough,’ is sitting on my sofa over there so we can be with him and try to help him?”

With practice, Mike learned to connect, listen and communicate with that part of himself. Offering compassion to the child inside himself helped him feel much better, even though he had struggled with the concept initially.

Since emotions are physical sensations, another way to work with wounded parts is through the body. Mike learned to recognize how “not enough” physically felt. “It’s like an emptiness—like a hole inside. I know I’ve been successful at times, and I believe my family loves me. Emotionally, it doesn’t feel that way at all. Good stuff comes in, but it goes right through me like a bucket with a hole. I’m never filled.”

To help patch the hole in his bucket, I helped Mike develop his capacity to hold onto good feelings by noticing them. “If you recognize and validate your accomplishments, what does that feel like inside?”

“I feel taller,” said Mike.

“Can you stay with the feeling of being taller for just ten seconds?”

Like a form of training, he built his capacity to experience positive feelings. Going slowly, we practiced noticing sensations associated with pride, love, gratitude and joy—getting used to them a little at a time.

What Else Can We Do To Help The Parts Of Us That Feel “Not Enough?”

  • We can remind ourselves again and again that our feelings of “not enough” were learned. It’s not objective fact, even when it feels so instinctually true.
  • We can connect to the part of us that feels bad and offer it compassion, like we would for our child, partner, colleague, friend or pet.
  • We can practice deeply belly breathing, five or six times in a row, to calm our nervous system.
  • We can exercise to get adrenaline flowing and create a sense of empowerment.
  • We can remember this very helpful phrase: “Compare and Despair!” When you catch yourself making comparisons to others, STOP! It only hurts, by fueling feelings and thoughts of “not enough.”

In the long run, we heal the parts of us that feel inadequate by first becoming aware of them. Once aware, we can listen to them and try to fully understand the story of how they came to believe they were “not enough.” Over time, by naming, validating and processing the associated emotions both from the past and present, “not enough” can become enough.

(Patient details are always changed to protect privacy)

https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/June-2018/Why-Do-We-Have-the-Feeling-that-We-Are-Not-Enough

Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW, is the author of  It’s Not Always Depression (Random House & Penguin UK), a book which teaches both the general public and psychotherapists about emotions and how to work with them to feel better. She received her BA in biochemistry from Wesleyan University and an MSW from Fordham University. She is a certified psychoanalyst and AEDP psychotherapist and supervisor. She has published articles in The New York Times and professional journals. Hendel was also the Mental Health Consultant on AMC’s Mad Men. She lives in New York City. For more information and free resources for mental health visit: https://www.hilaryjacobshendel.com/

Why Suicide Reporting Guidelines Matter

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Many people have a difficult time understanding why the words we use are so important, especially on a topic like suicide. How can certain images or words influence a person’s willingness to take their own life? How can one suicide lead to another? How can conversations, articles, personal stories and media coverage about suicide carry so much influence?

The fact is: how we talk about, write about and report on suicide matters. For someone already considering suicide, it’s possible to change their thoughts into action by exposing them to detailed suicide-related content, including graphic depictions or explanations of the death or revealing the method used. The recent tragedies are an unfortunate example of this. Two days after the media irresponsibly reported on Kate Spade’s death by suicide, Anthony Bourdain used the same method to end his life.

Tragic events like this are why leading experts in suicide prevention, international suicide prevention and public health organizations, schools of journalism, media organizations, key journalists and Internet safety experts all came together to create research-based recommendations on how to safely report on suicide. The suicide prevention guidelines exist for a reason—to save lives.

Suicide Contagion Is Real

According to the Recommendations for Reporting on Suicide: “More than 50 research studies worldwide have found that certain types of news coverage can increase the likelihood of suicide in vulnerable individuals.” This phenomenon is referred to as suicide contagion and “the magnitude of the increase is related to the amount, duration and prominence of coverage.”

A key phrase here is “vulnerable individuals.” The people affected by suicide contagion are likely already thinking about suicide. They may be experiencing a mental illness or substance use disorder and be switching medications and be in a fight with their spouse or parent and be struggling to make ends’ meet and then they’re prompted to end their life because of what they saw on social media while scrolling through their news feed. In other words, suicide is usually the result of a multitude of factors—and the media’s irresponsible reporting can be one of them.

“The outpouring of collective grief, the tendency to present or discuss the person in almost beatific ways and physical memorials or ceremonies celebrating their lives are common practice,” says psychologist Paul Surgenor, suicide prevention expert. “And unfortunately, for someone who can only see pain, isolation and rejection, this level of adoration may seem preferable to their current state.”

Seeing sensationalized headlines and reporting about a celebrity who ended their life can make a person who’s already struggling believe that they can do it, too. That “it’s okay.” That “it’s easy.” And not only that but learning the method of how a person died by suicide shows how to do it—what “works.”

When Robin Williams’ died by suicide in 2014, suicides using the same method increased by 32% in the months following his death. That’s not a coincidence. It’s also not a coincidence that suicide contagion is also known as “copycat suicide.”

How To Talk About Suicide

The main message of any article, video or TV show about suicide should be to encourage people to get help when they need it and where to look for that help by including local and national hotline numbers or other crisis resources. Here are some other important recommendations to follow.

Inform, Don’t Sensationalize

  • Don’t include suicide in the headline. For example, “Kate Spade Dead at 55.”
  • Don’t use images of the location or method of death, grieving loved ones, memorials or funerals; instead use school, work or family photos.
  • If there was a note from the deceased, do not detail what the note contained or refer to it as a “suicide note.”

Choose Your Words Carefully

  • When describing research or studies on suicide, use words like “increase” or “rise” rather than “epidemic” or “skyrocketing.”
  • Do not refer to suicide as “successful,” “unsuccessful” or a “failed attempt.” Do not use the term “committed suicide.” Instead use “died by suicide,” “completed suicide,” “killed him/herself,” or “ended his/her life.”
  • Do not describe a suicide as “inexplicable” or “without warning.”

Report on Suicide as a Public Health Issue

  • Include the warning signs of suicide and a “what to do” sidebar, if possible.
  • Do not report on suicide the same way you would report a crime.
  • Seek advice from suicide prevention experts rather than quoting/interviewing police or first responders.

Suicide is not a subject that should be avoided, but rather, handled carefully and thoughtfully—the way the suicide guidelines have clearly outlined. For those who believe the recommendations were created to prevent offensive language or spare people’s feelings, please keep in mind that their purpose is so much more than that. This is not a matter of being “politically correct.” It’s a matter of saving lives.

 

If you are thinking about suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255).

 

Laura Greenstein is communications manager at NAMI.

https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/June-2018/Why-Suicide-Reporting-Guidelines-Matter

6 Homeless LGBTQ Youths Share Their Stories

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When photographer Letizia Mariotti began meeting homeless LGBTQ youth in New York City, she felt a duty to help spread their stories.

She began photographing the queer youth she encountered at LGBTQ gathering places and interviewing them about their experiences. All of the subjects of her photos live, or at one point have lived, at the Ali Forney Center, which serves LGBTQ youths in New York. The majority of them have faced rejection from their families because of their sexual orientation or gender identity.

“I want parents of LGBTQ kids to understand the tragic scope of this problem and the profound influence family acceptance plays in the lives of the LGBTQ youth,” Mariotti told HuffPost. “I want them to understand that an indecently high percentage of the LGBTQ youth suffer emotional abuse and violence first from their parents, relatives, and the communities they live in.”

With 40 percent of homeless youth identifying as LGBTQ, Mariotti hopes her project can help others see these individuals clearly and compassionately.

“People need to be less judgmental and more accepting,” she said. “People need to stop seeing the world in stereotypes, stop trying to define what ‘normal’ looks like.”

Check out photos and excerpts from interviews with the young people featured in Mariotti’s project below.

  • Alexander, 24 (Man With Trans Experience)
    “I started transitioning at 18. In Florida, at the time, trans-identified people were not really protected. I was diagn
    Letizia Mariotti

    “I started transitioning at 18. In Florida, at the time, trans-identified people were not really protected. I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and also gender identity disorder. Nowadays they categorize it as gender identity dysphoria. It’s a big difference.

    “My mom was not accepting of me. But me liking someone of the same sex or gender was not the biggest issue. The problem was more me representing very masculine. She said to me once, ‘If you are going to like girls, then why don’t you look like one?’ She couldn’t understand. She was abusive both verbally and physically. After a while, it got to a point where it was too much. I couldn’t be myself. So I left.

    “My time as a homeless was hard. I didn’t know if I was going to make it. Many times I thought my mental health was not going to allow me to get out of this situation. What kept me going is the knowledge that I had goals. I really wanted to get out of the shelter system.

    “For a lot of people, what is missing is the hope. And hope is necessary to get out of these situations.”

  • Cyrus, 18 (Trans Male)
    “I didn't even know what being gay or being trans meant until I was about 15 years old because it was a bad thing to kn
    Letizia Mariotti

    “I didn’t even know what being gay or being trans meant until I was about 15 years old because it was a bad thing to know in my family. Even though I knew my whole life that I was attracted to women, I didn’t know there was a label and I didn’t know it was normal.

    “Before I came out as trans, I was identifying as a lesbian. And when my parents found out, it didn’t go well at all for me. They deleted all my social media accounts and they wouldn’t let me leave the house alone. I was not allowed to see my friends anymore. So, after a while, I got so angry that I got into a huge argument with my mom. We got a little bit physical and my dad decided to send me into a psychiatric hospital. In total, I went to five of them.

    “Because I wanted to further my transition, get surgery and start hormones, I knew I couldn’t stay at home. My dad doesn’t want me confusing my younger siblings or our family members. So I had to go.”

  • Frankie, 19 (Non-Binary Trans)
    “My parents tried to ignore what they called ‘my lifestyle’ and pretended that it would go away. Growi
    Letizia Mariotti

    “My parents tried to ignore what they called ‘my lifestyle’ and pretended that it would go away. Growing up, I started to be more unapologetic with who I am. I wasn’t hiding. So the tension at home just kept rising until one day my mom just exploded on me. She told me to leave and not come back.

    “Being homeless is very scary. You have no security and you can only keep what you can hold in a bag or a suitcase. Money is also a problem. I did sex work for a few months. It was dangerous. I had a lot of encounters that were very bad, but I made money from it and I was able to buy food.

    “Now I am lucky I don’t have to do it because I have a stable housing and a job.”

  • Eli, 17 (Gender Non-Conforming)
    &ldquo;I grew up in an Orthodox family. So when I was discovering my identity, I had to keep a lot of things secret. ...<br><
    Letizia Mariotti

    “I grew up in an Orthodox family. So when I was discovering my identity, I had to keep a lot of things secret. …

    “During my last year of high school, I came out to my parents. They weren’t supportive of it. They thought it was a phase that would go away or something that I should religiously keep under wraps and not act on it. Most of the times, they pulled the insanity card, saying things like I am not thinking clearly or people that I am around changed my point of view. …

    “This has been really hard for me mentally. I was sent to a religious school in Israel. But I got kicked out after just two days because of my gender identity. I told one of the social workers there, because I didn’t want to keep it secret anymore.

    “I booked a plane ticket and instead of going back home, I came here to New York City. I guess you could just say I ran away.”

  • Rose, 19 (Trans Woman)
    &ldquo;I realized from a very young age about my trans identity because I was surrounded by a lot of things in my childhood t
    Letizia Mariotti

    “I realized from a very young age about my trans identity because I was surrounded by a lot of things in my childhood that forced me to mature early. I think that is why I began transitioning so young at age 13. After my parents’ death, I socially came out.

    “When I started transitioning, I was mostly on my own because I didn’t have anyone to talk to. So it took me a while to figure things out. I knew about hormones and I wanted to go on them, but I couldn’t see a doctor. At 14, I managed to get black market hormones. But since I wasn’t able to get a steady supply, it didn’t last long.

    “Only at 17, I was able to really start and stay on hormones. For a while, my cousin took care of me, but she didn’t know how to help me and she didn’t have any understanding for me being trans. That made things tense and difficult between us. So last summer, I came to the Ali Forney Center to try to get myself together.

    “To get money, I was doing sex work. I did it on and off because I have a lot of social anxiety in general, so trying to find clients to have sex with for money was difficult for me. I would get a lot of money for it … but then I wouldn’t see anyone for weeks after that. And when I was really broke, I just went back on doing it. Sex work is very prevalent in the trans community.”

  • Je’jae, 24 (Non-Binary)
    &ldquo;At 18, I was sent to Israel on some heritage trip like a lot of young Jewish people do. The religious community where
    Letizia Mariotti

    “At 18, I was sent to Israel on some heritage trip like a lot of young Jewish people do. The religious community where I lived forced me into it. It was also a period where I was really struggling with my sexuality. And within an environment that was telling me that I should feel ashamed, I started feeling really suicidal.

    “I went through two years of shaming from our rabbi ‘therapist’ in Israel. It’s what they call ‘conversion therapy.’ In other words, it’s only physical and emotional abuse. I felt scared and trapped. It took me nearly two years to have the courage to leave that place and to tell my ‘therapist’ that I didn’t want to hide anymore. … This man, who was supposed to be my mentor, shamed me. He said that I would grow up being alone, that I was a sick and an unnatural person.

    “When I came back from Israel, as I was more open about my gender identity, my mom really started to have greater problems with me and she became even more emotionally abusive. And a year and a half ago, she locked the door on me.

    “That’s when I became homeless for three months.”

    #TheFutureIsQueer is HuffPost’s monthlong celebration of queerness, not just as an identity but as action in the world. Find all of our Pride Month coverage here.

Is It A Mental Health Problem? Or Just Puberty?

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We’re seeing epidemic levels of stress in children and teenagers, with increasing rates of clinical depression, anxiety and other coping problems. Fear, uncertainty and lack of control—factors that power stress—are ramped up in times of rapid, unpredictable change. And puberty is a time of massive change: hormonal, physical, sexual, social, cognitive and neurological.

Puberty brings a level of volatility in attitudes, behavior, responsibility and moods that can look and feel like mental illness. Most parents experience at least some moments of concern for their children’s mental health during the puberty ages of 11 to 14. But, should you? Or is your child experiencing a normal transition into adulthood?

It isn’t always easy to distinguish between the typical moodiness of puberty and mental health conditions that require professional attention. If you’re wondering about your child’s behaviors, here are some questions to ask yourself. They provide a good starting point for understanding how serious the problems might be, and whether you should seek professional help:

  • Does your child have at least one good friend? Although most young teens prefer popularity, one close friend is enough to get through puberty with resilience. If your child has no friends, that’s often a sign of isolation, and a strong reason to consider professional help.
  • Does your child have at least one adult they can talk to? This might be a parent, another relative, a teacher, or someone else—someone who can provide wisdom and support.
  • Does your child have at least one activity that engages them? One productive area of interest can sustain a young person through tough times. It might be a sport, the arts, a school subject, gardening, anything that involves thinking, learning and developing competence.
  • Is your child ever happy? It’s normal for pre-teens and early-teens to express more irritability, annoyance and anger (especially with their parents). But if your child never seems happy or contented, that is cause for concern.
  • Is your child engaging in self-harm? This includes alcohol, drugs and other toxic substances; cutting; sexual promiscuity; and self-sabotage like skipping school. It’s normal for a child to be curious about these things, but it’s time to seek help if you think your child’s well-being is threatened by dependence on any of these activities.

If your child does have an effective network of social support—including at least one friend and one adult they can talk to—is happily engaged in one or more productive activity and is not engaging in self-harming activities, you’re likely dealing with “normal” puberty. However, that doesn’t mean your child doesn’t need your help.

How To Support Resilience In Your Early Adolescent

There has been considerable research done showing that parents can make a difference in their children’s ability to handle stress, thereby minimizing the likelihood of mental health difficulties. Here are some ideas for supporting resilience in your child, whether or not they’re experiencing a mental health condition:

Listen

Being available when your children need you can make the difference between a good decision and a dangerous one. Be fully present when your teen wants to talk and be fully positive. Tweens are painfully aware of others’ perceptions and believe that everyone is looking at them with critical or even mocking eyes. Make sure your teen feels your positive gaze. No criticism, no judgement, no distractions.

Strive For Balance

We all need balance in our lives, but that’s especially true for early adolescents. Make sure your young teenager has opportunities for quiet reflection, ample sleep, regular outdoor exercise and good nutrition. Practice breathing techniques, and other mindfulness skills. You’ll be better at managing your own stress, and you’ll provide your teenager with a good model of coping with their ups-and-downs.

Welcome Conflict

Respect your child’s need to create their own unique blend of mainstream values with your family’s values. If you’re an immigrant, single parent, member of a cultural or religious minority or in a same-sex relationship, your child may feel a conflict between their home values and their peers’ values. A friendly debate is a great way for your teenager to discover what you care about, and why it’s worth caring about. You’re likely doing a good job of parenting if you and your teenager can argue, but there’s still love and warmth in your home.

Own The Parenting Space

Tweens and teens can appear to take pleasure from pushing your buttons. But on a deeper level, they need you to stay strong and calm. Just like a toddler who challenges the rules, teens feel safest when they know they can trust you to be solid no matter what grief they give you. That applies whether or not your child is dealing with a diagnosed mental health condition.

The years from 11 to 14 can be highly stressful for children as well as their parents. Unfortunately, there isn’t an easy or simple template for parents to determine whether or not their child has a diagnosable problem—that’s something only a mental health professional can do. You can, however, support your child’s resilience, and help them get through adolescence as smoothly as possible.

 

 

Dona Matthews, PhD, has been working with children, adolescents, families, and schools since 1990. In addition to running a busy private practice, she was the Executive Director of the Millennium Dialogue on Early Child Development at the University of Toronto, and the founding Director of the Hunter College Center for Gifted Studies and Education, City University of New York. She writes a regular column for PsychologyToday.com, has published dozens of articles and book chapters, and is the co-author of these books: Beyond Intelligence: Secrets of Raising Happily Productive Kids; Being Smart about Gifted Education; The Development of Giftedness and Talent across the Life Span; and The Routledge International Companion to Gifted Education.

You Can’t Plan For Mental Illness

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My 5-year plan after finishing high school was simple: graduate from college in four years, then begin graduate school directly following graduation. It was easy for me to imagine a 5-year plan at 18 years old when my toughest challenge at that point had been taming my frizzy hair.

My first two years of college were very successful. I made close friends, was hired by my college as a writing tutor and connected with teachers and administrators in the school district I wanted to eventually work in. I was right on track with my 5-year plan.

During my third year of college, however, the mass shooting occurred at Sandy Hook Elementary School. I felt a very deep connection to the event and in the following months, I noticed that I was on high-alert in public areas. I worried for my safety.

A few months later, I learned about the Boston Marathon bombing when I was in my college’s library. I immediately looked at the entrance to the library and wondered where I would hide if a shooter came through the door. A habit of making “escape plans” in my head became uncontrollable. I created them for any public place, and I avoided walking in open spaces and going out at night. Each night, I dreamt that I was trying to escape from a mass shooting; even in my sleep, I couldn’t shake this overwhelming fear.

Looking back, I can see the warning signs that I needed help. I didn’t tell anyone about the thoughts and feelings I was having because I didn’t want people to think I was “unstable.” Admitting to myself or to others that something was wrong could jeopardize my 5-year plan. I told myself that all college students felt this kind of stress, and that I’d feel better when the semester ended.

My junior year ended, but instead of feeling better, I felt significantly worse. I experienced severe panic attacks, paranoia and anxietythat made it impossible for me to drive, work or stay home alone. After I sought treatment with a therapist and psychiatrist, they recommended I check myself into a psychiatric hospital, so doctors could balance my medication, and I could learn skills to help manage my anxiety. I would be hospitalized five times, spending nearly three months in the hospital. My worst day was when I had to withdraw from my senior year. It felt like years of hard work just slipped away.

I questioned: Why didn’t I seek help sooner?

After my last hospitalization, I immediately re-enrolled in classes. I didn’t give myself the chance to heal because I wanted so badly to get back on track with my 5-year plan. Because I wasn’t working on my mental health, I struggled through two classes, and I wasn’t enjoying school like I did before.

One day, I finally accepted that if I kept putting my education before my mental health, I could risk having another breakdown. I decided to take medical leave from school; I needed to focus on my mental health and regain my strength and confidence. For the next two years, I attended therapy, worked with my psychiatrist, adopted a psychiatric service dog, discovered skills to help me cope and practiced self-care. Eventually, I felt like myself again.

So, I began college again last year. This time, I felt ready. I will be graduating this December with a B.S. in Community and Human Services. The deadline of my 5-year plan has long passed, and my life has not gone as I planned, but I am happy, healthy and have a mission to end the stigma surrounding mental illness. Battling mental illness and maintaining mental health is an ongoing part of my life, but the struggles I faced have put me on the path I’m meant to be on.

For example, I recently became a young adult speaker for NAMI Ending the Silence. I travel to high schools to share my journey with mental illness and talk to students about mental health and stigma. The experience has been life-changing. For years, my goal has been to help people, and through NAMI Ending the Silence and blogging, I am making a difference. I believe that talking openly about mental health issues will end stigma and lead to more effective treatment for mental illness.

Please, if you’re experiencing symptoms or warning signs of a mental illness, seek help as soon as possible. Your mental health is farmore important than your 5-year plan. I’ve learned that college can wait—treating mental illness cannot.

 

Allie Quinn is a mental health blogger, public speaker, and young adult presenter with NAMI’s Ending the Silence. She works to educate people about the realities of living with a mental illness and raises awareness about the use of psychiatric service dogs. Allie’s mental health blog is Redefine Mental Health.