Tag Archive for: Mental Health

Intimacy Begins Within

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By: Suzanne Degges-White Ph.D.

When we think about intimate relationships, most of us think first of intimacy between partners or friends. Personal intimacy is a state in which two individuals are truly able to let down their outer layers of defense and protection and allow themselves to let the other see him or her as she truly is while being able to create the space in which her partner feels safe enough to do the same.

Personal intimacy is about being willing to let someone see you as you truly are while being willing to let yourself see that person as he or she truly is. It is about lack of artifice or protection and requires great courage for most people as it lays raw the bits and pieces of ourselves and our history that we would rather others not realize we carry with us.

Self-Intimacy: Not as Simple as it Sounds

Although establishing intimacy with another person can take significant courage, being open to self-intimacy can be a surprisingly challenging task. It seems that there are two extremes when it comes to self-examination—whether it’s literal mirror-gazing or inner reflecting. On one extreme are those of us who look into a mirror and notice every flaw—whether it’s laughlines, blemishes, asymmetrical features, whatever. Then there are others of us who just steal a quick glance to make sure there’s nothing too horrifying or embarrassing about our appearance and dash out the door.

Being somewhere in between these two extremes is the most effective standpoint for building an intimate connection with your inner self. You have to be able to see yourself through the eyes of someone who loves you for who you are and who knows what you are worth. Self-esteem develops based on how we perceive that others perceive us. Self-intimacy requires that we see ourselves as we truly know ourselves to be.

Taking Time to Establish Self-Intimacy is Important

When we do not give ourselves time alone for reflection and self-intimacy, we are letting ourselves off too easy in life and not holding ourselves up to the inner scrutiny that allows us the space to acknowledge and address the areas in which we may need to grow. We also need time alone with ourselves to reconnect with who we are when we “show up” in relationships with others.

By intentionally choosing to spend time alone, you are also acknowledging the worth of your personhood—and the value inherent in being who you are. The need to surround yourself with the company of others often reflects needs to measure self-worth by popularity or to provide “evidence” of your social desirability.

It’s okay to enjoy spending time with those who care about you, this also should include enjoying spending time alone with yourself.

Suggestions for Making Space for Healthy Solitude and Self-Intimacy

It’s important that each of us finds time to sit and to simply “be” in our own skin. Maybe you find a connection to yourself through meditation, through quiet reflection, or through intentional self-exploration. The point of healthy inner solitude is to provide a space to explore the pieces of yourself that you treasure or that you wish you could change.

Healthy solitude is not about beating up on yourself for past mistakes or behaviors, dragging yourself down as you review your perceived missteps or failings, or ruminating on interactions that have not gone as you would have liked. It is meant to be a space of acceptance of self where plans for life changes are also developed.

  1. A good habit to encourage healthy solitude is scheduling daily reflective walks that allow you space to quietly review a particular aspect of your life or self that needs attention. These walks can be built into your regular routine—walking to your office from the parking lot (just pay attention to the traffic and do be careful) is one way to make space for personal intimacy.
  2. Taking five minutes at the start or end of your lunch break can also be a space in which you can “turn over the rocks and stones” and see what’s hidden or building up within you.
  3. Creating a journaling space in your life – at night before you go to bed or on your tablet, smartphone, or laptop, right after you clock out at work or in the morning ten minutes before you begin your workday are three different options for building in the personal solitude that grows increasingly necessary as our lives and technology grow increasingly intertwined.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201801/intimacy-begins-within

How Easy It Is To Neglect Your Mental Health

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By Trevor McDonald

We all know what taking care of our physical health looks like: eating right, exercising regularly and getting plenty of sleep. But do you know how to take care of your mental health? Neglecting your mental health can be easy, especially since it’s not something we are always taught or reminded to prioritize. However, taking a step back and examining your mental health is key to a happy and healthy life.

If you think you might be neglecting your mental health, here are a few reasons why—and what to do about it.

You’re Too Busy

It’s all too common to put your mental health on the backburner. Between family responsibilities, work obligations, and social situations, it’s no wonder why very few of us actually find time in the day to take care of our mental health. But in the end, if taking care of your mental health is a priority, as it should be, you will find the time.

You can take small breaks throughout the day to do what makes you feel good. Have a standing appointment with your therapist on the calendar. Turn off your phone for a little while. Hit the gym. Or pour yourself a warm bath with a cup of tea. No matter what your version of self-care looks like, make sure to do it routinely.

It’s Taboo To Talk About Your Feelings

So many of us, especially men, are taught to not talk about our feelings. From a very young age, we’re told to “just suck it up” and that showing any kind of emotion is weak. But this is an extremely detrimental thought, both to our relationships and our mental health. Emotions are a key aspect of connection and connection is a key aspect of mental health.

To fight this common misconception, start having more conversations about mental health. Depression, anxiety and other mental health conditions are not a choice, but rather a state of being. If you live with mental illness (or not), you shouldn’t be afraid to talk about your feelings and experiences.

You’re Not Sure Who To Talk To

Should you talk to a friend about how you’re feeling? A family member? A professional therapist? All of these are good options, depending on your needs. For example, if you think you have a mental illness, it’s best to consult a mental health professional.

If your mind is full of thoughts that keep spinning around and around, talking it out and discussing your fears, anxieties, ambitions and goals, can help you to slow down your thoughts. With the help of your confidant, you can tackle them in a practical way.

You Can’t Afford To Care

Maybe you’re one of the many people who wants professional counseling but can’t afford it. Mental health care can be expensive. However, you should know there are options.

If you have health insurance, there are many mental health professionals who offer counseling at a discounted rate depending on your financial need. This is referred to as “sliding scale” and you can inquire with the provider what the adjusted rate would be. If you don’t have insurance, you can start by reaching out to your local social services agency by dialing 211. If you’re a student, you can talk to someone at your school’s student health center.

There are also options to talk to others about your mental health beyond professional counseling. You can join a free support group or call a warmline: a phone line where trained volunteers offer support.

There are many reasons why we continue to neglect our mental health, but what really matters is how to end that behavior. Take a second to check in with yourself and if you feel like you are neglecting your mental health, develop an action plan to change that!

Trevor is a freelance writer and recovering addict & alcoholic who has been clean and sober for over five years. He is currently an Outreach Coordinator for Sober Nation. Since his recovery began, he has enjoyed using his talent for words to help spread treatment resources, addiction awareness, and general health knowledge. In his free time, you can find him working with recovering addicts or outside enjoying about any type of fitness activity imaginable.

 

https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/December-2018/How-Easy-it-is-to-Neglect-Your-Mental-Health

How not to say the wrong thing

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By: Susan Silk and Barry Goldman

 

When Susan had breast cancer, we heard a lot of lame remarks, but our favorite came from one of Susan’s colleagues. She wanted, she needed, to visit Susan after the surgery, but Susan didn’t feel like having visitors, and she said so. Her colleague’s response? “This isn’t just about you.”

“It’s not?” Susan wondered. “My breast cancer is not about me? It’s about you?”

The same theme came up again when our friend Katie had a brain aneurysm. She was in intensive care for a long time and finally got out and into a step-down unit. She was no longer covered with tubes and lines and monitors, but she was still in rough shape. A friend came and saw her and then stepped into the hall with Katie’s husband, Pat. “I wasn’t prepared for this,” she told him. “I don’t know if I can handle it.”

This woman loves Katie, and she said what she did because the sight of Katie in this condition moved her so deeply. But it was the wrong thing to say. And it was wrong in the same way Susan’s colleague’s remark was wrong.

Susan has since developed a simple technique to help people avoid this mistake. It works for all kinds of crises: medical, legal, financial, romantic, even existential. She calls it the Ring Theory.

Draw a circle. This is the center ring. In it, put the name of the person at the center of the current trauma. For Katie’s aneurysm, that’s Katie. Now draw a larger circle around the first one. In that ring put the name of the person next closest to the trauma. In the case of Katie’s aneurysm, that was Katie’s husband, Pat. Repeat the process as many times as you need to. In each larger ring put the next closest people. Parents and children before more distant relatives. Intimate friends in smaller rings, less intimate friends in larger ones. When you are done you have a Kvetching Order. One of Susan’s patients found it useful to tape it to her refrigerator.

Here are the rules. The person in the center ring can say anything she wants to anyone, anywhere. She can kvetch and complain and whine and moan and curse the heavens and say, “Life is unfair” and “Why me?” That’s the one payoff for being in the center ring.

Everyone else can say those things too, but only to people in larger rings.

When you are talking to a person in a ring smaller than yours, someone closer to the center of the crisis, the goal is to help. Listening is often more helpful than talking. But if you’re going to open your mouth, ask yourself if what you are about to say is likely to provide comfort and support. If it isn’t, don’t say it. Don’t, for example, give advice. People who are suffering from trauma don’t need advice. They need comfort and support. So say, “I’m sorry” or “This must really be hard for you” or “Can I bring you a pot roast?” Don’t say, “You should hear what happened to me” or “Here’s what I would do if I were you.” And don’t say, “This is really bringing me down.”

If you want to scream or cry or complain, if you want to tell someone how shocked you are or how icky you feel, or whine about how it reminds you of all the terrible things that have happened to you lately, that’s fine. It’s a perfectly normal response. Just do it to someone in a bigger ring.

Comfort IN, dump OUT.

There was nothing wrong with Katie’s friend saying she was not prepared for how horrible Katie looked, or even that she didn’t think she could handle it. The mistake was that she said those things to Pat. She dumped IN.

Complaining to someone in a smaller ring than yours doesn’t do either of you any good. On the other hand, being supportive to her principal caregiver may be the best thing you can do for the patient.

Most of us know this. Almost nobody would complain to the patient about how rotten she looks. Almost no one would say that looking at her makes them think of the fragility of life and their own closeness to death. In other words, we know enough not to dump into the center ring. Ring Theory merely expands that intuition and makes it more concrete: Don’t just avoid dumping into the center ring, avoid dumping into any ring smaller than your own.

Remember, you can say whatever you want if you just wait until you’re talking to someone in a larger ring than yours.

And don’t worry. You’ll get your turn in the center ring. You can count on that.

Susan Silk is a clinical psychologist. Barry Goldman is an arbitrator and mediator and the author of “The Science of Settlement: Ideas for Negotiators.”

http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407

What Really Happens in a Therapy Session

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When you take your car to the car mechanic, you know what’s going to happen: Your car will get repaired.

When you break a bone and visit your doctor, you know what’s going to happen: Your bone will be set in a splint or cast and eventually heal.

But when you make an appointment to see a therapist, do you know what’s going to happen? Many people aren’t quite certain. Will you just talk? Will you have to discuss your childhood? Will you be “hypnotized?” And what’s the “point” of seeing a therapist, anyway? Why not just talk to a friend?

There is a great deal of uncertainty in our society about what actually happens during a therapy session, what types of issues and problems are suitable for therapy, and what benefits a therapy session can provide. I’d like to address a few typical questions—and misconceptions—about what therapy is, what it isn’t, and how it really works.

Q: Do I have to be “sick” or “disturbed” to go see a therapist?
A: No. Thinking that one has to be “seriously disturbed” in order to see a therapist is a myth.

While some therapists do specialize in severe emotional disturbances—including schizophrenia or suicidal thoughts—many focus on simply helping clients work through far more typical, everyday challenges like mapping out a career change, improving parenting skills, strengthening stressmanagement skills, or navigating a divorce. Just as some physicians specialize in curing life-threatening illnesses, while others treat “everyday” illnesses like flus, coughs, and colds, psychotherapists can serve a wide range of clients with a range of needs and goals, too.

In fact, most of my clients are successful, high-achieving people who are quite healthy, overall. Most are challenged by a specific, personal goal—like losing weight, creating more work-life balance, finding ways to parent more effectively, or feeling anxious about dating again after a rough break up.

Q: How can I choose the right therapist for my goal/situation?
A: Choosing a therapist is like choosing any other service provider—it’s a good idea to visit the practitioner’s website, and read client testimonials or reviews (if they have any—many do not, for confidentiality reasons). It’s also good to ask friends and family members, or your physician, for referrals (and of course, check to see who is covered in your health insurance network).

If you are hoping to work on a specific issue—overeating, smoking, making a career change—try to find a therapist with expertise in that area. Many list their specialties or areas of focus on their websites. There are therapists who specialize in relationship issues, parenting issues, anger management, weight issues, or sexuality—pretty much any issue, goal, or situation you can imagine. If you’re not sure about someone’s expertise, just call them and ask. If they can’t be of assistance with your issue, they may be able to refer you to someone who can.

Q: What actually happens during a therapy session?
A: Each session is, essentially, a problem-solving session. You describe your current situation, and your feelings about it, and then the therapist uses their expertise to assist you in trying to resolve that problem so you can move closer to having the life you wish to have.

At the beginning of a session, the therapist typically invites you to share what’s been going on in your life, what’s on your mind, what’s bothering you, or whether there are any goals you’d like to discuss. You’ll be invited to speak openly. The therapist will listen and may take notes as you speak; some, like myself, take notes after a session. You won’t be criticized, interrupted or judged as you speak. Your conversation will be kept in the strictest confidentiality. This is a special, unique type of conversation in which you can say exactly what you feel—total honesty—without worrying that you’re going to hurt someone’s feelings, damage a relationship, or be penalized in any way. Anything you want—or need—to say is OK.

Some therapists (like myself) may give clients some homework to complete after a session. That homework might be to set up an online dating profile and reach out for a first date, or to exercise three times a week. It may be to spend some time each day pounding a pillow to safely release pent-up emotions, make a nightly journal entry, or any number of “steps” and “challenges” relevant to your goals. During your next session, you might share your progress and address any areas where you got frustrated, stuck, or off-track.

Of course, every therapist is different, every client is unique, and every therapist-client relationship is distinct as well—which means that there is nouniversal description of a therapy session. Some therapists employ dream interpretation in their work. Others bring music or art therapy into their work. Others incorporate hypnotherapy, life coaching, meditation, visualization, or role-playing exercises to “rehearse” challenging conversations. The list goes on and on. Ultimately, regardless of their approach, a therapist will listen without judgment and help clients try to find solutions to the challenges they face.

Q: Will I have to talk about my childhood?
A: Not necessarily. Many people think that visiting a therapist means digging up old skeletons from your childhood, or talking about how awful your mother was, etc. That is a myth. What you talk about during a therapy session will largely depend on your unique situation and goals. And depending on your goals, you may not actually talk about your past that much. The focus of your therapy is as likely to be your present-day reality and the future that you wish to create.

That being said, if you REALLY do NOT want to discuss your childhood, the intensity of your desire NOT to talk about it might suggest that you should! When people have strong negative emotions—about their childhood or any other topic—it’s typically worth doing some excavating to figure out why that is. Whatever is causing them to feel such strong emotions about the past is more than likely impacting their present-day life in some way, too.

Q: How long will I have to go to therapy?
A: This varies from person to person. I’ve had clients who booked one session, we worked out their issue(s), and they were all set: They marched out and didn’t need a follow-up session. Sometimes, one brave, honest conversation is really all you need.

Other clients have booked sessions with me over a period of several weeks or months, focusing on one issue, resolving that issue, then perhaps moving on to a different challenge. Then there are other clients who I’ve been working with for some time—they appreciate having a weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly “check-in.” They may share their feelings, sharpen their life skills as needed, or perhaps enjoy a deeply nourishing guided meditation or hypnotherapy experience to de-stress. As one client put it, “Every two weeks when I meet with you, I leave your office feeling like you pressed my reset button.”

Therapy is really about whatever a client needs—a one-time conversation, a temporary source of support during a life transition, or an ongoing experience to optimize health physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.


Q: Is meeting with a therapist over the phone—or through video chat—just as effective as meeting in person?
A: That depends on your personality and preferences. In the state of Hawaii, where I live, at least one insurer that I know of covers doing therapy virtually via video chat (like Skype or Facetime). This makes it a convenient option for people. Many of my clients do enjoy having some, or all, of their sessions via video chat because it means they don’t have to take time out of their busy schedules to drive, park, and so on. They can just close their bedroom or office door, pick up the phone or log in, and away we go—very convenient.

Where feasible, I suggest trying out both ways—do a traditional, in-person therapy session and then try a video session—and see which format is the best fit for you.

Q: Why see a therapist? Why not just talk to a friend or someone in my family?
A: If you are blessed with caring, supportive family members and friends, by all means, share your feelings, goals, and dreams with those people. They are a big part of your support network, and their insights and encouragement can be very helpful. However, people who already know you might not always be completely objective when listening to you. For example, you may want to change your career, and you confess this dream to your wife. She may want to support you 100%, and try her very best to do so, but she may also be dealing with emotions of her own—such as anxietyabout how a career shift will change your lives, not to mention your income. These emotions could make it difficult for her to listen and support you objectively.

This is why working with a therapist can be so valuable. It’s a unique opportunity to share everything you’re feeling, and everything you want to create, without anyone interrupting you, imposing his or her own anxieties onto the conversation, or telling you that you’re “wrong” or that you “can’t.”

A therapy session is a space where you don’t have to worry about hurting anyone else’s feelings—you can be totally honest. It also means you have the potential to solve problems faster and with greater success. In the long run, that’s better for you and everyone else involved in your life, too.

To sum it up:
Therapy is a valuable tool that can help you to solve problems, set and achieve goals, improve your communication skills, or teach you new ways to track your emotions and keep your stress levels in check. It can help you to build the life, career, and relationship that you want. Does everybody needit? No. But if you are curious about working with a therapist, that curiosity is worth pursuing. Consider setting up one or two sessions, keep an open mind, and see how things unfold. You have very little to lose and, potentially, a lot of clarity, self-understanding, and long-lasting happiness to gain.

Suzanne Gelb, Ph.D., J.D, is a clinical psychologist and life coach. She believes that it is never too late to become the person you want to be: Strong. Confident. Calm. Creative. Free of all of the burdens that have held you back—no matter what has happened in the past. Her insights on personal growth have been featured on more than 200 radio programs, 200 TV interviews and online at Time, Forbes, Newsweek, The Huffington Post, NBC‘s Today, The Daily Love, Positively Positive, and much more. Step into her virtual office, explore her blog, book a session, or sign up to receive a free meditation and her writings on health, happiness and self-respect.

When Teens Bully Themselves

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20 Enjoyable End-of-Year Review Questions

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When life is busy and demanding, it’s easy to overlook small ways you’ve improved yourself and your circumstances. This is particularly the case if you’re self-critical and tend to most easily see and recall what you’re doing wrong.

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We Want You Here

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By Laura Greenstein | Sep. 24, 2018

 

Sometimes life can feel like a burden. It can feel like each day is a challenge. As if making it to your bed at the end of the day is like reaching the finish line of a long race. It can feel as if each interaction is a struggle. As if you only have a limited amount of oxygen, and each word you speak is a drain on your supply.

For those of you who have ever thought about suicide, you know this feeling all too well.

But you should know that you are so strong.

You’re strong for still being here even when your thoughts tell you that being alive isn’t worth the pain. You are strong for carrying the weight of it all on your shoulders for so long. For carrying it by yourself even while thinking you were alone in the way you feel—even while believing that no one and nothing out there could take off some of the weight.

But you should know that you are not alone.

We are a whole community of people who understand what you’re facing. And more than anything, we want to help you. You don’t have to go through this alone. We want you to ask us for help. We want to help you carry that heavy weight because we understand what it’s like to burden it alone. We may not know exactly what you’re facing, but we understand what it’s like to feel hopeless.

But you should know that there is hope.

There are resources. There is help. There is support. There is time. Time that forces everything to change. You may not feel okay today, but that is okay. The awful way you feel is not permanent. You may feel like you can’t bear the pain any longer, you may feel like you don’t have it in you to reach out for help, but you are stronger than you know, and we believe in you.

And you should know that you are worth it.

You are worthy. You are important. Your life is important. You deserve a place on this planet, and we deserve to have you with us.

And you should know that you are an inspiration. 

You have faced more than many can fathom and yet here you stand. Your strength is a source of hope for those who feel the same as you do. Not only should you feel comfortable telling us about your darkest moments, but we want to hear it.

And you should know there is no shame in your story.

To feel shame is, unfortunately, part of our experience. But it is not fair. It is not fair to yourself. Because the way you feel is not your fault. You should never blame yourself for your darkness. Your darkness if a part of your story, and we accept you.

More than anything, you should know that we want you here.

 

Laura Greenstein is communications manager at NAMI. 

 

https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/September-2018/We-Want-You-Here

Talking To Kids About Mental Illness

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By Kathleen Boros | Nov. 16, 2018

 

In my children’s book about mental health awareness, Binky Bunny Wants to Know about Bipolar, Binky Bunny sees Mama Bunny sleeping a lot and wonders why she won’t wake up and play with him. When he asks his mom what’s wrong, he learns about bipolar disorder.

Binky learns that Mama Bunny loves him very much, but she needs her naps to function from day to day. It’s not that she’s avoiding Binky, or the chores that need to be done around the house; she wants to work and play, but she was born with an invisible illness in her brain that slows her hop.

Binky learns that he needs to work with his father to help Mama Bunny feel better. He doesn’t want bipolar disorder and its symptoms to keep her from experiencing life’s everyday gifts. Now educated and engaged, Binky is determined to help his mom live in an environment where she can heal.

This book is my way of showing how important it is to talk with our children about all aspects of mental health—including mental illness. As a parent with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, I’ve already started a dialogue with my 8-year-old son to help him get a better grasp of what’s going on with me. I believe I was given my illness for a reason, and I’m not going to keep quiet about it, especially with my son.

I don’t believe in hiding behind stigma and just telling him I’m tired. I’m upfront and honest, because I believe if we want to live in a society free of stigma, we have a moral obligation to educate our children.

Keep Your Kids In The Loop

As soon as children are old enough to understand that mommy or daddy isn’t “like the other mommies or daddies,” it’s time to have a talk. It’s OK if they don’t understand right away. Every day is another opportunity for more education. Have a recurring family meeting or a set, consistent time when you all sit down and have a candid conversation about mental health. This will provide repeated opportunities for discussion and for your children to ask questions.

My family does this pretty informally. When my husband and I are together at the end of each day, we ask my son how his day was. This is a perfect opportunity to let your child know if you’re having a good day or if you need a little extra help. For example, on a day when loud noises might be bothering me, I might ask my son to keep it down for me and explain why.

Also use this time to explain how your mental illness is currently affecting your daily routine. If you’re a parent with a mental health condition who needs to be alone or take naps to recharge (like Mama Bunny and me), kids might be worried there’s something wrong with you, or worse, that you don’t want to spend time with them. Make sure they know nothing could be further from the truth. It might not be every day you have to sleep in or take naps, but if you have a particularly sleepy week, reassure your children it’s not something you’re doing to avoid them. Taking a nap is sometimes like taking a shower—just a part of daily hygiene.

Answer Their Questions

I know I don’t have all the answers, so if my son asks me something I’m unsure about during our talks, I’ll seek resources from my doctor or local library. If I need to explain something about mood, depression, mania or hospitalization, I’ll try to find something age-appropriate I can read to my son. But there really isn’t a lot of reading material about mental illness for children. So, I’ll often write down his questions and bring them to my next appointment so my doctor can give detailed, kid-friendly explanations I can bring home.

A few times, I’ve set up appointments for the two of us or our whole family to visit my doctor. My family finds this very helpful because no matter how much research we might do on our own time, bipolar disorder is different for everyone who experiences it. No two people with the same diagnosis have identical symptoms or express their illness in the same way. So, it’s great when my family can get together to talk to my mental health professional, who helps me with my illness, about how we can all cope together as a family. When we leave, we feel like we’re all on the same page.

Be Honest About Medication

This might not be a popular opinion, but I think children should also be informed of the medications their parents are taking. Medications for depression cause certain side effects, while medications for psychosis cause other side effects and medications for anxiety cause different side effects still. I think it’s important for children to know what to expect.

And it’s OK to tell children that having to take medication for your illness is something not under your control. Just like how they need shots to stay healthy or take antibiotics when they get sick—with mental illness comes medication. We might not like it, but we need it.

Keep The Conversation Going

Teaching kids about mental health should not stop once they leave the house. School is an important place for them to learn more, and school counselors and teachers should have resources about mental illness and suicide. It’s also beneficial for a child to have a non-biased counselor to talk to if they have questions they don’t feel comfortable asking you, or if they’re having mental health concerns about themselves.

A great resource for schools is NAMI Ending the Silence, an in-class presentation in which students learn about mental illness from someone with lived experience. Having conversations and learning about mental health in school will only reinforce the information you share with your child at home. The more education your child receives about mental health, the more important it will seem.

As parents, we’re not mind-readers, and we can’t afford to pretend we are. That’s why it’s so important to communicate with our children about mental illness—even if it’s difficult to talk about or explain. We never know what they might be thinking, and it’s only fair to you and your children to be honest about your mental health.

I wrote my children’s books about bipolar disorder because my son was starting to ask questions, and I’d rather he learn from me about mental illness than the callous things he might learn from those who aren’t educated.

I’ve seen amazing ripple effects since starting our talks: My son now educates others on the topic. He has tools in his toolbox to use if someone says something about mental illness he knows isn’t true.

To help end stigma, we need to start with our own children. So if you’re a parent living with mental illness, fill your house with love and mental health awareness. Don’t procrastinate, educate. And feel free to use Binky Bunny. Together, we can all hop to stop stigma!

 

Kathleen Boros is originally from Massachusetts and was brought up in Florida. She’s been married for 15 years and has an 8-yearold son. She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 19 and is now 41. She received a bachelor’s in behavioral science and a master’s in special education. She enjoys writing to educate children and their families about mental illness. Join her efforts to educate children on mental health with Binky Bunny.

https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/November-2018/Talking-to-Kids-About-Mental-Illness

Holiday Magic Is Made By Women. And It’s Killing Us.

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I have yet to send out my Christmas cards this year, but the various steps necessary to complete this task have been weaving through my mind for months. I booked a session with a photographer at the end of August. I picked out and shopped for outfits for the entire family in October. In November, the actual photoshoot took place, but not before a flurry of back-and-forth emails deciding on time and place while factoring in the weather.

The photos will be in soon. Perhaps there will be a clear winner, but the most likely scenario is that I will spend hours deciding which child’s “weird face” picture is the most palatable to send to grandparents. They can never just smile, no matter how much coaxing and bribing is involved. Then I will spend time carefully picking out the right photo card and figuring out just the right holiday message before ordering. I’ll have to check my address book, contact a handful of people for updates, decide who is getting a card, order stamps, hand-write addresses until I have carpal tunnel and lick envelopes until my tongue is swollen.

Of course, I could forgo this emotional labor and take the cards off my list entirely. It would free up a little mental space in an already hectic time, but it would also come with the consequence of disappointed relatives. I know because I actually did skip the holiday cards one year. My elderly aunt was heartbroken not to receive one. My husband’s grandparents were left without a set of great-grandchildren pictures to hang on the mantle. I had failed not only in the emotional labor of orchestrating the Christmas card, but also in considering the expectations and feelings of others.

“Women already perform the bulk of emotional labor … but during the holidays, this work ramps up.”

Women already perform the bulk of emotional labor ― the psychological phenomenon of unpaid, often unnoticed labor that goes into keeping everyone around you comfortable and happy. But during the holidays, this work ramps up. There are more mental lists to juggle, more commitments on the calendar to keep track of, more tasks to delegate. There is more pressure to make things magical for those around you. It takes a lot of unseen and underappreciated effort to keep everything humming along smoothly.

Melody Wilding, a licensed social worker and coach who helps clients overcome challenges like emotional labor, says that a tendency to put too much on our plates and let self-care slip is often par for the course during the holidays.

“Putting pressure on yourself to have or create the ‘perfect holiday’ can send your stress skyrocketing, and overcommitment can quickly lead to exhaustion and burnout,” she told HuffPost.

How to manage the stress of emotional labor this time of year

I certainly try to keep self-care in mind during the holidays, usually taking on a yoga routine and drinking lots of decaf green tea to combat the stress. But the overwhelm still gets me. While it’s up to my husband to put up the lights and trim the tree, the vast majority of the holiday planning falls to me.

It’s me who puts the parties and potluck dishes on the calendar, keeps track of the winter coat drive, plans the get-togethers with both sides of the family, expends the mental energy of figuring out gifts for everyone. It’s exhausting, and seems unending (at least until after the new year rolls in). Normally this level of productivity would make me feel like a rockstar, but during this time of year, it simply feels like I’m falling short.

Experts say that this type of intense pressure can lead to perfectionism ― and in its most extreme form, perfectionism can be associated with mental health issues. Research has linked perfectionism with anxiety, depression and even thoughts of self-harm.

“Question the voice of your inner critic that says you’re not good enough.”

– MELODY WILDING, LICENSED THERAPIST

I’m not one to strive for perfection, but during the holidays it’s so easy to point out those spots where it would be feasible for me to do more. We could go chop down our own Christmas tree, but I’ve never actually gone ahead and planned a trip. I could learn to use my sewing machine and make a festive table runner and napkins. I could make a beautiful gingerbread house from scratch if I really tried hard. I find myself thinking I’m probably doing enough, but I feel like I could be doing more.

Wilding says a solution to that irrational feeling might be stepping slowly away from Instagram. It’s advice that makes sense: Studies show excessive social media use is linked with increased feelings of loneliness, anxiety and depressive symptoms.

“Social media makes it seem like everyone else’s life is perfect and enchanted … except yours,” she said.

Wilding recommends taking the time you’d otherwise spend surfing Facebook and use it for more restorative activities (so probably not baking gingerbread houses from scratch, unless you’re really, truly into that sort of thing). There is plenty of emotional labor to be done without seeking out more. It may be best to reevaluate what you do, drop some commitments and choose to only do the emotional labor that you genuinely value.

“Question the voice of your inner critic that says you’re not good enough,” Wilding said.

That voice is usually wrong, Wilding stressed. So when it crops up, head in the opposite direction.

“Don’t be afraid to drop a ball, or two,” Wilding said. “You’ll discover the world won’t end, and in fact, will encourage other people to start picking up their share of responsibility.”

By Gemma Hartley

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/emotional-labor-holidays_n_5a1ec905e4b0d724fed5588a?utm_campaign=hp_fb_pages&ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063&utm_medium=facebook&utm_source=main_fb&fbclid=IwAR0czvI9P_3Khih3_59bBKT1m8_1ob_yazA93IyMpU68ws80BHaSYGyalpw

Getting Older Veterans Proper Care

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In an era of ongoing armed conflict, the impact of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is more widely recognized than it was 40 years ago when veterans were knee-deep in the atrocities of the Vietnam War. In fact, PTSD wasn’t even recognized as a mental illness until 1980.

While the disorder is more visible today, we usually only see young, male veterans representing all veterans experiencing PTSD. But there’s still a large population of Vietnam veterans who have been struggling with PTSD symptoms for over four decades, often with little support.

A recent article by The Family Institute at Northwestern University highlighted the ongoing impact of PTSD in older veterans, and how we can ensure they receive the unique types of support and interventions they need.

What Older Veterans Need

Diagnosis has typically been delayed in older veterans, which means some have been struggling for decades. These heroes face age-related events that could trigger an exacerbation of symptoms—like retirement, the loss of a loved one or changes in health.

Due to their unique needs, some experts suggest older veterans might benefit from a counseling approach that integrates the following:

  • An approach that embraces the veteran’s story and affirms their feelings
  • Technology that increases access and decreases isolation (such as telehealth)
  • An affirmation of the realities of both the trauma and the resulting symptoms of PTSD
  • Peer support

Encouraging older veterans to embrace the benefits of therapy and counseling can be a challenge, so they may prefer to work with professionals who were/are also a member of the military in order to feel a sense of camaraderie.

Delayed-Onset PTSD In Older Veterans

About 31% of male American veterans who served in Vietnam experienced PTSD at some point in their lifetime, according to the National Vietnam Veterans Readjustment Study. A 2013 study on the long-term effects of the conflict found that approximately 1 in 10 veterans who served in Vietnam experienced PTSD 40 years later.

This is called delayed-onset PTSD. Although most people experience symptoms of PTSD within a few months after a traumatic event, sometimes it can be years before someone experiences the full spectrum of their symptoms.

Dr. Dawn M. Wirick, daughter of a Vietnam veteran and a veteran herself, counsels older combat veterans and has seen the effects of delayed trauma: “What they end up telling me is down the road, when they retire, once they aren’t so busy, they start having recurring nightmares.”

There are a variety of complex factors that can lead to delayed-onset PTSD. Some of the main reasons why it was so prevalent among Vietnam veterans were:

  • They were drafted
  • The conflict itself was highly unpopular (so they were reluctant to talk about it)
  • The troops were often treated poorly when they returned home

Additionally, as is the case for most men, they were told to “man up” and be strong, so expressing sadness was viewed as a sign of weakness. In result, many veterans repressed their feelings. This created more complex psychological reactions to their time in combat, andrepressed feelings often find their way to the surface much later.

Older veterans need proper treatment to overcome these long-term effects of living with PTSD. Coming to terms with events that occurred decades ago is no easy task, but access to effective counseling can help validate what they are feeling, eliminate the sense of isolation and begin the healing process. Coming to terms with events that occurred decades ago is no easy task, but access to effective counseling can help validate what they are feeling, eliminate the sense of isolation and begin the healing process.

 

If you are a veteran in need of help or are concerned about a veteran in your life, visit the Veterans Crisis Line website or call their 24/7 hotline at 1-800-273-8255.

 

Colleen O’Day is a Digital PR Manager and supports community outreach for 2U Inc.’s social work, mental health, and speech pathology programs. Find her on Twitter @ColleenMODay.

https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/November-2018/Getting-Older-Veterans-Proper-Care