Recovery and St. Patrick’s Day

Most often, when people in recovery from alcohol and drug dependence think about getting through the Holidays and staying sober, they think about Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. These Holidays are sometimes referred to as the Bermuda Triangle of relapse. March 17th is often forgotten in the mix of holidays, despite its association with pubs, drinking, and parades. The hazards of relapse are all there for the individual who has years of ingrained patterns of using when celebrating this occasion.

These triggers are similar to those associated with the other holidays. Memories of music, the smells of traditional foods, and even the color green can all trigger the positive memories from the past, while the blinders of denial shield the mind from the negative consequences experienced in years gone by. As with other holidays, liquor may appear in places one was not expecting. Proprietors and friends may offer a red solo cup of beer, or a shot of Irish whiskey for your coffee, in a local business. Caught off guard, in a moment of awkwardness, one may be inclined to accept that “wee drop” while others, who can drink without impunity, are enjoying their beverages all around.

The plan, and the principles applied, is the same as any other plan for early recovery. First, avoid people, places, and things associated with past drinking/using rituals. Remember, this is not a life sentence. Many people in recovery enjoy going to parties and other places where liquor are served, but only after they have developed a firm foundation in recovery! The time this may take varies, but most people in recovery will advise that anyone with less than a year sobriety should avoid being around parties and alcohol like they would the plague. If you have to ask yourself if being around alcohol is a good idea, it probably isn’t.

Next, plan your day. Begin by getting your head on straight. An early morning AA/NA meeting is an excellent start. If one is spiritually inclined, one can follow the true Irish tradition of attending mass on Saint Patrick’s. If one is going to party, party with people that are in recovery also. After work one could attend a meeting when everyone else is off to the pub. In Ireland, Saint Patrick’s Day is traditionally celebrated by attending mass, and then spending the holiday with family and a traditional Irish meal (which is not corned beef and cabbage, by the way). This could be Shepherd’s Pie or salmon served with mashed potatoes. And of course you can’t leave out the Irish Soda Bread, which is a simple to make recipe and delicious served warm with butter.

The key for a successful life in recovery is to replace old drinking/drugging rituals with new rituals, preferably shared with a non-using social support network. So don’t be gloomy on this special holiday dwelling on the old days. Begin a new life centered on new enjoyable activities with clean and sober friends and many years ahead of memorable Saint Patrick’s Days!

By Thomas Finnerty, MHS, LCADC, HS-BCP

The Messy Truth About Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

I hear comments all the time:

“My place is so perfect. I’m so OCD.”
“No, it has to be neat and clean. I’m so OCD.”
“You should see how I organized my Star Wars collection. I’m so OCD.”

I was born with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). I struggled throughout my childhood, through multiple high schools and left college after just one semester—consumed by my obsessive thoughts. I barely made it through my twenties. In my early thirties, I hit rock bottom. I was bedridden in my parent’s guest bedroom, paralyzed by OCD.

One year included three psychiatric hospitals; intensive outpatient therapy; two months at the OCD Institute at McLean Hospital in Boston; being kicked out of said OCD Institute; and living on the streets of Boston in the middle of winter with little money, no transportation, no job and severe OCD and separation anxiety.

It took hitting rock bottom to get the help I needed. After eight scary therapeutic months, I was “reborn” and moved to Los Angeles a healthy, happy and thriving member of society. I finally understand the point of the therapy my loved ones had desperately been trying to get me into.

Why do most people believe the myth that OCD is just about a hyper-organized desk or color-coordinated closet? The reality is that most of the 3 million people with OCD in this country struggle just to function on a daily basis. They’re not bragging about the “benefits” of OCD.

Well, Hollywood’s general portrayal and perspective of OCD is limited. Movies and TV present OCD as quirky or fun. Characters often use their symptoms to their advantage, almost like a skill or superpower. Hollywood has created the belief that OCD is just double-checking, hand washing or a strong dislike of germs. Hollywood and the media rarely address the reality of this serious condition—it simply seems funny to watch, and not too difficult to live with. So, many individuals with OCD continue to struggle in silence, afraid to seek help.

OCD typically looks nothing like what you see on television. I didn’t wash my hands; I didn’t check, organize or clean; I wasn’t afraid of germs. My OCD was based in my fear of losing control. OCD is complicated like that; it preys on your unique fears and anxieties that have no basis in reality. For some people that’s germs, for others (like me) it’s extremely taboo topics, like self-harm.

To you, these fears and anxieties seem irrational and easy to brush aside, but the actual experience of having OCD is losing that rational perspective. Your brain can’t shrug off these fears. It’s a constant battle between uncertainty and truth inside your brain. That’s why the disorder is a far cry from: “I love when my kitchen is put away perfectly. I’m a little OCD.”

 

Ethan S. Smith currently lives in the Los Angeles area working as a successful writer/director/producer/author and OCD Advocate. Ethan was born with OCD and struggled most of his life until receiving life-changing treatment in 2010. Ethan was the keynote speaker at the 2014 annual OCD conference in Los Angeles and is the current International OCD Foundation’s National Ambassador.

https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/March-2018/The-Messy-Truth-About-Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorde

Why Don’t More Olympians Talk About Mental Illness?

Many Olympians have talked about various health issues they’ve overcome, but so few have opened up about living with a mental health condition. This is surprising due to the immense mental component of being an Olympic athlete.

Many Olympians have commented that the mental aspect of the game far exceeds the physical. So, coping with symptoms of mental illness would make competing even more challenging, just as a physical injury would. But even if it does make competing more challenging, a mental health condition wouldn’t prohibit someone from being able to compete—or win.

Olympians who have told the world they experience mental illness seem to do so after their career as an Olympian has ended. Of course, there are exceptions, such as bronze-medalist figure skater Gracie Gold who isn’t competing in this year’s Winter Olympics due to her struggles with mental health. She bravely shared that she needed to put skating on hold, due to mental health treatment.

“I am still undergoing treatment for depressionanxiety and an eating disorder,” Gold explained. “It pains me to not compete in this Olympic season, but I know it’s for the best.”

Statistically speaking, Gold is not the lone Olympian in this year’s Pyeongchang’s games living with a mental health condition. There are 244 athletes competing in the 2018 Winter Olympics on Team USA. Since 1 in 5 adults live with a mental health condition, approximately 49 of these athletes live with a mental health condition. Yet only a handful have spoken out.

So why don’t Olympians talk freely about mental illness, if they have it? Probably stigma. Athletes want to be viewed as strong and empowered, and rightly so. They don’t want the public shaming them for any issue or condition, especially one that is so heavily stigmatized in our society.

But the simple truth is: Olympians can prove having mental illness doesn’t mean you’re weak. Being able to manage symptoms well enough to handle the highest-pressure competition in the world proves that mental illness doesn’t have to hold you back. And that some of the strongest, most motivated individuals in the world have these struggles as well.

We need to encourage athletes to open up about their mental health. It could alter society’s perception of what someone living with a mental health condition is capable of achieving. We need to break the stigma that is keeping these world class athletes silent. Join NAMI’s movement to stop stigma on mental illness. Go to www.nami.org/stigmafree and take the pledge to be StigmaFree.

By Laura Greenstein

https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/February-2018/Why-Don-t-More-Olympians-Talk-About-Mental-Illness

Pets Help People Manage The Pain Of Serious Mental Illness

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GTwIK-vEEKw

(Check out this short compilation of baby goats! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GTwIK-vEEKw)

Mental illness can be isolating, making the companionship of pets even more precious.

Any pet owner will tell you that their animal companions comfort and sustain them when life gets rough. This may be especially true for people with serious mental illness, a study finds. When people with schizophrenia or bipolar disorder were asked who or what helped them manage the condition, many said it was pets that helped the most.

“When I’m feeling really low they are wonderful because they won’t leave my side for two days,” one study participant with two dogs and two cats, “They just stay with me until I am ready to come out of it.”

Another person said of their pet birds: “If I didn’t have my pets I think I would be on my own. You know what I mean, so it’s — it’s nice to come home and, you know, listen to the birds singing and that, you know.”

Many people with serious mental illness live at home and have limited contact with the health care system, says Helen Brooks, a mental health researcher at University of Manchester in the United Kingdom and the lead author on the study, which was published Friday in the journal BMC Psychiatry. So they’re doing a lot of the work of managing their conditions.

Brooks says, “Many felt deep emotional connections with their pet that weren’t available from friends and family.”

Brooks and her colleagues interviewed 54 people with serious long-term mental illnesses. Twenty-five of them considered their pets to be a part of their social network. The scientists asked who they went to when they needed help or advice, where they gained emotional support and encouragement and how they spent their days.

The participants were then given a diagram with three consecutive circles radiating out from a square representing the participant. They were asked to write the people, places and things that gave them support into the circles, with the circles closest to the center being the most important.

Sixty percent of the people who considered pets to be a part of their social networks placed them in the central, most important circle — the same place many people put close family and social workers. 20 percent placed pets in the second circle.

This study participant had a limited social network, so he placed his birds in the closest social circle in his life, along with his social worker and gardening group.

Helen Brooks/University of Manchester

The interviews with participants are poignant, and reveal the struggle and isolation that can come with mental illness.

“I think it’s really hard when you haven’t had a mental illness to know what the actual experience is [like],” said one participant. “There’s like a chasm, deep chasm between us … [Other people are] on one side of it, and we’re on the other side of it. We’re sending smoke signals to each other to try and understand each other but we don’t always — we don’t always understand.”

People with mental illnesses often see their social groups shrink and find themselves alienated from their friends. For many of these people, says Brooks, animals can break through the isolation. They give affection without needing to understand the disorder.

“[Pets] don’t look at the scars on your arms,” one participant said. “They don’t question where you’ve been.”

The pets provided more than just emotional support and companionship, participants said. The animals also could distract them from their illness, even from severe psychosis.

One study participant placed birds in his closest social circle. When he was hearing voices, he said that they “help me in the sense, you know, I’m not thinking about the voices, I’m just thinking of when I hear the birds singing.”

Another participant said that merely seeing a hamster climbing the bars on the cage and acting cute helped with some difficult situations.

And having to take care of pets keeps people from withdrawing from the world. “They force me, the cats force me to sort of still be involved,” said one participant.

Another said that walking the dog helped them get out of the house and with people. “That surprised me, you know, the amount of people that stop and talk to him, and that, yeah, it cheers me up with him. I haven’t got much in my life, but he’s quite good, yeah.”

“The routine these pets provide is really important for people,” says Brooks. “Getting up in the morning to feed them and groom them and walk them, giving them structure and a sense of purpose that they won’t otherwise have.”

Many of the study participants are unemployed because of their illness, she notes. Having a pet that was well taken care of was a source of pride for them.

Mark Longsjo, the program director of adult services at McLean Southeast, an inpatient mental facility in Middleborough, Mass., says that the interviews in the study reflect his professional experiences. “We have so many patients come through, and we always ask them about their support system. Sometimes its family members, sometimes its friends, but it’s very common to hear about pets.”

When he does patient intake surveys, Longsjo says that he includes pets in their risk assessments. Patients with pets often say the animals help keep them from following through on suicidal thinking, because they know their pets depend on them.

The social workers at McLean also incorporate pets into their aftercare planning, encouraging patients to make walking and grooming their pets a part of their routine. “I think there’s significant value in considering the common everyday pet to be as important as the relationships one has with one’s family in the course of their treatment,” says Longsjo. He feels this study is important because, although there’s a lot of work looking at the benefits of trained therapy animals, they can be expensive and out of the reach of many patients.

Brooks hopes that more health workers will consider incorporating pets into care plans for people with mental illness. Many of her participants said that sometimes it felt like their pets could sense when they needed help the most, and were able to provide it — just like the owners took care of them.

As one person in the study said, “When he comes up and sits beside you on a night, it’s different, you know. It’s just, like, he needs me as much as I need him.”

By Erin Ross

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2016/12/09/504971146/pets-help-people-manage-life-with-serious-mental-illness

Navigating the Holidays

Trigger Warning: Eating Disorders

The holidays can be stressful for someone who is struggling with an eating disorder. We get it. A lot happens this time of year—extra family time, busy schedules, social gatherings—and most of it centers on food.

To help you prepare for the upcoming holidays, our staff has come up with some tips and words of encouragement. Add any or all of them to your recovery tool box for Thanksgiving and other upcoming holiday events.

  • Continue doing what works for you despite the fact that your schedule may change, stress may increase, and time may be short.
  • Remember: it’s progress, not perfection.
  • Have a plan for food and skills to use during the day.
  • Keep practicing self-care by feeding yourself, getting enough water, moving when/if/how it makes sense for your body, resting when you need to, and connecting with others.
  • All foods fit, and your body knows how to use them.
  • Allow yourself to ask for more support from others you trust, whether that be family, friends, or treatment team members.
  • Remember that although it may seem like everyone is sharing happy memories with their loved ones, not everyone is and it’s okay since that is often real life. Stay away from social media if it allows you to have a more realistic picture of the world.
  • Consider what would make you enjoy the holiday season more, whether that be doing something traditional, such as baking or going to church, or something less traditional, such as getting a pedicure or volunteering. Make the holiday season your season, not something that you think it should be.

Wishing you all a happy holiday season!

Holiday Drinking: What Is Normal?

Holiday Drinking

I recently read an interesting article about a Caron Treatment Centers study titled “Many Americans Oblivious to What High-Risk Drinking Looks Like.” Dr. Harris Stratyner was quoted as saying “Alcohol is still the number one cause of damaging behavior at holiday celebrations throughout the U.S”. The information in this article got me thinking… are the holidays a time and excuse for people to abuse alcohol and what are the consequences? The Caron Treatment Centers study found that even non-alcoholics are over-imbibing at these events and experiencing many negative effects such as:

 

  • 50% saw a co-worker/supervisor share inappropriate personal details about themselves or other colleagues
  • 45% saw a co-worker/supervisor flirting with another colleague
  • 43% saw a co-worker/supervisor drive even though he or she was drunk
  • 35% saw a co-worker/supervisor using excessive profanity
  • 30% saw a co-worker/supervisor argue, be abusive or engage in sexual activity
  • 60% of those who attend family holiday parties also reported that a family member behaved inappropriately after drinking too much alcohol. One respondent shared that alcohol prompted “a knock out drag out fist fight” and another spoke of “emotionally abusive behavior” during a family holiday party. Others said relatives wanted to drive even though they were drunk

I don’t want to be a “buzz kill” but my question is, are we having fun yet?  In Pete Hamill’s book A Drinking Life his final drink before getting sober was at a New Year’s Eve party—and he writes: “But once more, I felt as if I were shooting the scene with a camera from across the bar…It was New Year’s Eve. We were supposed to be having a good time.  Look: there were balloons. There were funny hats. There were noise makers. Charlie, bring me a vodka and tonic, will you please?…I stared into my glass, at the melting ice and vodka-logged lime. And I said to myself, I am never going to do this again.  I finished my drink. It was the last one I ever had.” Hamill took a moment to step back from the festive scene, observed the drunken and insincere behavior and concluded that it felt meaningless.  Alcohol is such an integral part of holiday events and this can be a challenge particularly for those who are sober and especially for those in early sobriety.

According to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) low-risk drinking is defined as no more than four drinks per sitting and not more than 14 per week for men and no more than three drinks per sitting and no more than 7 per week for women.

The holidays are notoriously an emotionally “loaded” time for many people as well as a joyous time.  They can be especially challenging for those who are sober or choosing not to drink.  However, it is possible to be truly present for these holiday events without drinking or abusing alcohol by learning coping skills to tolerate or set limits with more challenging work and social engagements:

• Have an escape plan by bringing your own vehicle or figure out the available public transportation near the holiday event that will enable you to leave if you are feeling tempted to drink or uncomfortable.
• Ask another sober person to be “on call” for you to check in with during the event for additional support.
• Let someone whom you trust at the holiday event know that you may need additional support during this occasion or time of year.
• Find a tasty non-alcoholic beverage you can drink that will give you something to hold and may prevent people from offering you an alcoholic drink.
• Come up with a standard response as to why you are not drinking that may vary depending on the type of holiday event and if you want those in attendance to know you are sober: “I don’t drink anymore,” “I am not drinking tonight,” “I am on medication and cannot have alcohol,” “I am the designated driver tonight,” etc.
• Be choosy about the holiday events that you attend and avoid “people pleasing” by saying “yes” to events that you don’t need to nor don’t want to be at.
• Take care of yourself prior to these events: get enough sleep, eat regularly, exercise, relax, meditate, etc.
• Find new holiday activities and traditions that you may never have tried in the past which do not involve drinking alcohol (volunteer at a soup kitchen, go ice skating, have a sober get-together and gift exchange, see a movie, take a trip, etc.)
• Remember to create structure for yourself if you have time off (volunteer, exercise, make plans, got to mutual-help group meetings, therapy, etc.).
• Work extra hours if needed in order to distract yourself.
• Learn to say “no” if you do not want to attend an event.
• Put your sobriety first and realize that others may not understand what this entails, but that it is your number one priority.
• “Just say no” to rum cake!
• Attend extra mutual-help group meetings during this season (i.e., A.A. has “alcathons” that involve 24 hours of meetings, food, socializing at designated locations on Thanksgiving Eve, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day. Contact your local A.A. Intergroup for more information.
• Be honest with loved ones if you are having a hard time and let them know how to support you.
• Remember that “this too shall pass” and there is life after the holidays.
• No matter how you are feeling, you do not have to drink!

For more resources and information about high-functioning alcoholics, visit www.highfunctioningalcoholic.com

By Sarah A Benton MS, LMHC, LPC

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-high-functioning-alcoholic/201311/holiday-drinking-what-is-normal

14 Tweets From Parents About Halloween That Will Make You Laugh Your Butt Off

“Treat or Treat!!”

1.

By Krista Torres 

Go Take A Hike (And Get Some Vitamin D)

Do you ever feel less energized, motivated or happy during the winter months? If you do, you aren’t the only one. Many people’s moods and feelings are affected by the amount of sunshine and vitamin D they receive. “Some studies suggest an association between low vitamin D levels in the blood and various mood disorders, including depression, seasonal affective disorder (SAD), and premenstrual syndrome (PMS)” says Mayo Clinic.

There are over three million cases per year of seasonal affective disorder (SAD), which is a mood disorder that occurs around the same time every year. SAD most often occurs during the fall and winter, but it can also occur during the spring and summer.

SAD can cause people to feel moody, gain weight, crave carbohydrates, lack focus and feel more tired even if they are sleeping more. Even if you don’t meet the qualifications of being officially diagnosed, getting enough sunlight is still important to your overall mood.

In previous years, I would always notice these types of symptoms begin to flare as fall turned to winter. In order to prevent my normal winter blues, I began to go for walks or runs around my neighborhood for 30 minutes a few times each week. I even went for walks when it was snowing, so that I didn’t remain inside for too long.

Since I started doing this, I began to not notice the drop in mood, focus and energy that I had been associating with winter for years. Not only that, but I also felt better overall. Below are some of the other health benefits to spending time outside even when it’s cold:

Less Stress and Anxiety

There is something innately relaxing —for most people—about spending time in the great outdoors. It gives you the chance to bring yourself into the present, sending your anxious thoughts out of your mind for a little while.  Taking time to clear your head has lasting effects on your overall stress and anxiety levels. Also, studies have shown that certain scents within nature, such as jasmine, pine and lilacs have been shown to reduce stress and anxiety.

Stronger immune system

Vitamin D is a critical nutrient to how our body maintains a healthy and strong immune system. The easiest way to get this vital nutrient is by spending time soaking in the sun.

When we are breathing fresh air amongst plants and trees, we are also breathing in phytoncides. These are airborne chemicals that plants give off to protect themselves. This natural chemical contains qualities that are meant to help fight off disease.

More Energy

Spending a lot of time inside can alter our circadian rhythms and throw off our sleep schedule. Being exposed to sunlight in the morning helps recalibrate these cycles, so that we sleep better at night and feel more energized during the day.

Improved Focus

The urban environments we are accustomed to constantly drain our attention spans. Between cell phones, traffic jams, crowding and noise, are brains need a break every once in a while. “Using too much directed attention can lead to what they call “directed attention fatigue” and the impulsivity, distractibility and irritability that accompany it. The inherent fascination of nature can help people recover from this state” research from the American Psychological Association shows. Spending time focusing on the nature that surrounds us allows our brains to rest, which in turn helps us to focus better later.

If you are worried about being cold, dress the way you would if you were a kid on a snow day: wear layers, gloves, a scarf, a hat, etc. Or do a form of exercise that will get your blood pumping and warm you up. You can also bring a hot beverage along with you for your activity. Especially on a sunny day, preparing for the cold can be manageable.

Looking for ideas to get started? Here are my 10 favorite things to do outside:

  1. Walk around a lake or park
  2. Find a cozy spot outside to read
  3. Eat lunch outside
  4. Play Frisbee with a friend
  5. Go for a run around my neighborhood
  6. Hike a trail
  7. Ice skate at the outdoor rink
  8. Borrow (and make sure to return!) a friend’s dog and go to a dog park
  9. Get a group together to play capture the flag (or any other game)
  10. Go on a ski trip!

Whoever this anonymous person is, he or she got it right: “I’ve never found time spent amongst nature to be a waste of time.”

By Laura Greenstein

https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/December-2015/Go-Take-a-Hike-(and-Get-Some-Vitamin-D)

“All The Bright Places” Shines A Light On Love & Loss

Trigger Warning: Sucide

“‘Oh, there he goes again, in one of his moods. Moody Finch. Angry Finch. Unpredictable Finch. Crazy Finch.’ But I’m not a compilation of symptoms. Not a casualty of bad parents and an even worse chemical makeup. Not a problem. Not a diagnosis. Not an illness. Not something to be rescued. I’m a person.”

This passage is from the insightful young adult novel All the Bright Places, which brings together two teenagers experiencing the hardships of mental illness, suicidal thinking and grief. This is author Jennifer Niven’s first young adult novel; in it, she uses her personal experience as a survivor of suicide to spread awareness about what it’s like to live with mental illness.

Using relatable characters, she paints a beautiful story of love and loss. Niven’s main character Theodore Finch asks himself, “Is today a good day to die?”—introducing suicide, the main theme of the book, in the very first line—as he stands on the ledge of a bell tower at his high school. Niven then introduces Violet Markey, who also finds herself on top of the looming bell tower, though she doesn’t fully understand how she got there. And so begins Finch and Violet’s ominous love story.

Throughout the book, Niven emphasizes how someone going through mental health challenges can believe that suicide is a reasonable solution to their condition. Finch regularly considers all the different ways he could end his life, logging them with a list of pros and cons. Finch’s ideations are revealed mainly to the reader, but occasionally to other characters.

Readers can see that what Finch is going through is bipolar disorder even though “depression” and “mania” are never mentioned, and he doesn’t receive his diagnosis until well into the book. Instead, Niven uses terms like “Awake,” “Long Drop” and “Asleep” to describe the cycles of his mood. As his “Long Drop” nears closer, tension builds around Finch’s frame of mind. But while he considers ending his life, he simultaneously teaches the grief-stricken Violet how to live hers.

Violet never receives any diagnosis throughout the book, but it is implied that she may be experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) after being in a car accident that killed her older sister. She stops trying in almost every aspect of her life and isolates herself from people she used to spend time with. She refuses to be in a moving car, has consistent nightmares and can’t get herself to write—a once-favorite activity she used to share with her sister.

Finch encourages Violet to ride in a car again, to go to new places and write again. Without Finch, Violet may have taken years to fully live her life again. On the other hand, Finch’s condition only worsens with time, even as his love for Violet helps him experience “all the colors in full brightness.”

These two teenagers have more to grapple with than typical drama and nightly homework that plague everyone during the high school years. They have symptoms, stigma and the question of why life is worth living to contend with and Niven manages to showcase just how difficult mental illness is, especially during adolescence when mental health conditions often onset. The book concludes in a way that makes readers understand that when you live with mental illness, sometimes you have happy endings and sometimes you don’t.

Laura Greenstein is communications coordinator at NAMI.

https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/March-2017/-All-the-Bright-Places-Shines-a-Light-on-Love-L

You’ll Be Happier If You Let Yourself Feel Bad

There’s a moment in Oscar Wilde’s novel The Picture of Dorian Gray when the title character declares war on his feelings: “I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions,” Dorian says. “I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.” Basil Hallward, the artist who had painted Dorian’s portrait, becomes fearful of his subject’s newfound aggression: “You talk as if you had no heart, no pity in you,” he says. But Dorian, in the throes of an existential crises, isn’t listening; he wants control, most especially over how he feels.

It’s not an uncommon desire. In fact, it may be a near-universal one. With varying levels of success, we try to hold on to good emotions and ward off the bad ones — but research suggests that those efforts, at least when it comes to negative feelings, may be misplaced.

For many, accepting our negative emotions appears counterproductive, especially because it gets in the way of what motivates us. Our negative emotions can act as catalysts and adrenaline boosts — nervousness in the face of a closing deadline, for instance, might help push you to finish your task on time. Often, though, people don’t use their negative emotions so productively; instead, many tend to get stuck in their negativity, spiraling downwards. It’s hard to accept your emotions — both positive and negative — and let them pass by. Dorian Gray certainly never could.

But studies have shown that the ability to embrace your negative feelings can provide a slew of benefits. Those who accept all their emotions without judgment tend to be less likely to ruminate on negativity, less likely to try to suppress mental experiences (which can backfire by amplifying these experiences), and less likely to experience negative “meta-emotional reactions,” like feeling upset about feeling upset. Or, as the authors of a recent study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology put it: “When people accept (versus judge) their mental experiences, those experiences run their natural — and relatively short-lived — course, rather than being exacerbated.”

This latest study, led by University of Toronto assistant psychology professor Brett Ford, explored the link between one’s acceptance of negativity and one’s well-being. The researchers first set out to discover if and how the acceptance of negativity benefits psychological health, and whether this kind of acceptance works for everyone across socioeconomic, gender, and racial divides. Around 1,000 study subjects filled out surveys about their mindfulness, life satisfaction, depressive symptoms, anxiety symptoms, and the number of stressful events they’d been through over the course of their lives.

Ford and her colleagues found that those who accepted their negative feelings were, on average, also more psychologically healthy. They also found that the factor most strongly linked to participants’ well-being wasn’t a low-stress life — rather, it was the capacity to accept life’s difficulties and one’s own negative feelings non-judgmentally.

On the face of it, this is a counterintuitive idea. A person with, say, no medical or financial issues — someone who should theoretically have low stress — ought to have greater well-being than a poorer, less healthy person who’s working 70 hours a week. And yet if the latter person is better at accepting the negative experiences that come with his objectively more difficult life, this study suggests, she may be happier than the person who has fewer stressors in life.

In order to further prove this apparent paradox, the researchers recruited 160 women, half of whom had experienced a life stressor “of at least moderate impact” within the past six months, to complete a neutral task (watching a movie clip) and then a stressful task (giving a three-minute video-recorded speech on their job qualifications in front of an audience). During both tasks, the women rated their own emotional experiences; once again, Ford found that the people who were more accepting of their negative mental states reported less intense negative feelings.

Finally, to test their findings with a more diverse set of participants, Ford and her colleagues had 222 men and women complete diary entries every night for two straight weeks, making note each night of the stressful events they’d experienced during the day. Some reported particularly high-stress moments, like receiving a phone call from a son in prison, while others had mostly mild stressors, like low-key arguments with a romantic partner. For each entry, participants also rated the extent to which they felt 12 negative emotions: sad, hopeless, lonely, distressed, angry, irritable, hostile, anxious, worried, nervous, ashamed, and guilty.

Once again, acceptance was associated with greater psychological health, but with an added layer of nuance: The correlations showed that accepting negative situations was not associated with increased psychological health. Rather, it was the acceptance of one’s state of mind that came from negative situations that best indicated psychological well-being.

Taken together, Ford says, the results across all three experiments “underscore the broad relevance of acceptance as a useful tool for many people.”

“The overall take-home message is that emotions are naturally short-lived experiences,” she says, and if we let them wash over us instead of trying to push them away, “these emotional experiences would actually pass relatively quickly.”

Still, opening your arms to all your negative feelings is easier said than done in a culture where happiness is considered a virtue. We tend to valorize the pursuit of positivity, while ignoring or dismissing the importance of a well-rounded emotional experience. Happiness, the thinking still often goes, is the absence of negativity rather than the acceptance of it. But the research says otherwise — you can’t always control your emotions, but you can control how you respond to them. Sometimes it’s best to let yourself feel okay about feeling bad.

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https://www.thecut.com/2017/08/youll-be-happier-if-you-let-yourself-feel-bad.html