Communicating Is More Than Finding The Right Words

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My last depressive episode left me completely isolated. I didn’t respond to messages for months. Since I didn’t know how long I would be depressed, answering the question “how are you?” became emotionally draining. Actually, that one question was why I stopped talking to people entirely.

“How are you?” is such a knee-jerk opening line to a conversation; most of us don’t even realize we’re saying it, or pay much attention to the typical response of, “I’m good.” But I wasn’t good, or even okay, and saying it just to get past that question felt like a lie I didn’t want to explain.

I never would’ve guessed that I could go such a long period of time without talking to anyone. I know now how painful it was for those who cared about me not to hear anything despite their repeated attempts to reach out.

Peer support—“peer” defined both as friends and as those who identify as having mental illness—can be profoundly helpful to the recovery process and to help keep symptoms at bay. I could’ve really benefited from this kind of support during my depression, but my lack of communication with my friends and family led me to struggle in silence.

Feeling Empathy For Those Who Are Trying

When that dark cloud finally lifted, I was intrigued by how difficult it was for me to communicate with the people I cared about during my episode. I didn’t want to go through that again. I wanted to learn how to be better at communicating, especially in the thick of a depressive episode.

So I read the book, “There Is No Good Card for This: What to Say and Do When Life Is Scary, Awful, and Unfair to People You Love.” It includes many wonderful examples of how and when to say or do something, and when it’s best to say nothing at all and just listen. It’s a relatively short, easy read considering the depth of knowledge it contains about difficult conversations. Some of the scenarios included made me cringe as I reflected on things I’ve said that were less than ideal.

This book was immensely helpful in learning empathy for those trying to make a connection with me during my episode. I learned that my negative reaction to my friends asking me how I was doing was because depression had changed my perception. The book helped me understand that people might say uncomfortable or insensitive things—“how are you doing?”—when they are genuinely trying to connect but don’t know what to say or what may negatively impact someone.

Learning Essential Communication Skills

I also learned how I could be a better support system for my friends facing adversities, because we all end up being the supportive friend at one time or another. Conversations are a two-way street, even if one person is doing most of the talking. How you listen and respond can change the tone and outcome of a conversation. In “There is No Good Card for This,” you can find out what type of listener you are and what you can do to improve or change the way you respond. This can help build confidence during a difficult conversation.

Here are a few tips from the book to start working on:

  • Don’t judge or assume. People deal with life’s hurts in various ways. It’s easy to say how we would behave in a friend’s situation, but trust that your friend is doing what’s best for him/her, even if you don’t agree with it.
  • Listening speaks volume about how much you care. It can be much easier to listen than to find the perfect thing to say. Try to avoid asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions and anecdotal stories in an attempt to connect unless you know this is what your friend wants. If unsure, ask if he or she would prefer for you to listen for support or brainstorm helpful next steps.
  • Small gestures make a big difference: Some people are better at showing they care than expressing it in words. Clipping coupons for everyday essentials, preparing and delivering their favorite meal, or gifting a massage are just a few examples.

Realizing Mistakes Are Just Learning Opportunities

At the end of the day, just knowing my friends cared enough to reach out meant the world to me. I isolated myself because I felt emotionally fragile and didn’t want to be asked how I was doing. I still wanted to cheer and root for them, and to tell them how proud I was of them despite my depression; I just didn’t want them to ask how I was because I was still trying to figure that out. I now know that I could have expressed that sentiment, and my friends would have understood. It sounds so easy in hindsight, but I couldn’t even get past “how are you?” to tell them.

Please know that you are not alone if you’ve ever felt like this, and if you would like to talk to someone without fear of judgment, please call the NAMI HelpLine for references to mental health resources—including support groups—in your area or online. If you’d like to speak with a trained peer support specialist, the NAMI HelpLine can also give you a local number that you can call 24/7.

Traditional classrooms do not include courses with the sole purpose of teaching emotional intelligence, sensitivity and empathy, so those lessons tend to come from life experience. It’s important to remember to be kind to yourself and others as you navigate through difficult situations. Look back on mistakes as learning opportunities.

I have learned through this experience that if someone is reaching out to you, their heart is probably in the right place, even if they can’t find the “right” words.

 

Keiko Purnell is a NAMI HelpLine Volunteer.

https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/August-2018-/Communicating-is-More-than-Finding-the-Right-Words

How To Reduce Screen Time In The Digital Age

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Smartphones have transformed modern life in more ways than anyone could have imagined. They enable 24/7 access to infinite information and tools that help us stay organized, track our fitness, express ourselves and be entertained. However, easy access to these digital devices and their habit-forming qualities has led to high screen time for both children and adults and emerging research suggests that such high screen use can have a negative impact on mental health.

Since the rise of the smartphone, indicators of mental “wellness” such as happiness, self-esteem and life satisfaction have decreased while serious mental health issues like anxiety, depression, loneliness and suicide have increased significantly, particularly among young people. A possible reason for this might be that more time on screens, particularly social media, leads to increased risks of stressors like social isolation, cyberbullying, social comparison, decreased life satisfaction, reduced productivity and distraction from personal values and goals.

Increased time on screens also means there’s less time available for positive real world experiences that promote mental health, like exercise, quiet reflection and quality, in-person social connection. With all of this in mind, it’s not surprising that research suggests that less time on social media leads to better well-being.

While more research is needed, it certainly appears that less screen time bodes well for mental health. So, consider the following tips to keep screen time in-check, leaving more room for healthy, positive real-world experiences.

Connect For Real

Despite opportunities for online “connection,” loneliness is at an all-time high. Indeed, quality face-to-face social connection is critical to mental wellness. So, make it a goal to have screen-free, in-person social connections with friends, co-workers and loved ones on a daily basis. Consider making it a standard to power down whenever there is an opportunity for conversation such as in the car, standing in line and during meals or social gatherings.

Commit To A Screen-Free Bedroom

Screen time within an hour of bedtime can negatively impact sleep, which can contribute to physical, mental and cognitive issues. However, the lure of a screen in a quiet bedroom is hard to resist. It’s difficult to ignore texts, resist a Netflix binge or mindlessly scroll through social media. Eliminate the temptation by keeping phones out of the bedroom entirely and reach for a book or magazine instead.

Avoid Multitasking

Put away your phone when you need to focus on a task, particularly related to school or work. Research on multitasking shows that it causes distraction, reduces productivity and increases errors. One study showed that subjects whose phones were in a different room performed better on a cognitive test compared to those whose phones were in front of them—and set on “Silent” mode. In addition to reduced productivity and cognitive impact, media multitasking also has been linked to lower wellbeing.

Notice Motives And Feelings

Ask yourself if being on your phone is what you really want to be doing at that moment. By using mindfulness, you can identify if you’re trying to avoid negative feelings or a necessary task, or whether you’re truly enjoying your digital experience. This exercise can help with getting in touch with your emotions and improve purposeful decision-making around screen use.

Pursue Healthy Interests And Activities

Making time for hobbies or activities that promote health, personal growth or connections with others can help to reduce screen use and provide a sense of meaning and purpose. Some examples are: reading books, hiking in nature, taking mindful walks, prayer or meditation, joining a club, practicing yoga, cooking, volunteering or learning to play an instrument.

Practice Reflection And Gratitude

A daily practice in quieting your mind and counting your blessings can boost positive emotion and improve psychological wellness. Research suggests that gratitude may protect against social comparison and envy—common experiences with social media. Reflect on what is good and right in your life. During quiet, screen-free time, write down five good things from each day. Savor simple pleasures like a sunny day, a good cup of coffee or a friendly exchange with someone.

Clarify Your Values

Take time to mindfully consider what you value most in life. What do you want your life to be about? Quality relationships? Physical and emotional health? Spiritual growth? Professional growth? Regularly consider whether screen use is moving you toward or away from your values. If you notice that your screen use is moving you in an unwanted direction, give yourself grace, hit the figurative “reset” button and get back on track.

 

Nina Schroder, MSW, LCSW is a mental health therapist at Virginia Commonwealth University in Richmond, VA. She specializes in the treatment of anxiety and depression and researches the effects of high screen use on mental health, emotional resilience, and overall wellness. Nina is passionate about helping others increase wellness and emotional resilience in the Digital Age and delivers lectures and workshops both locally and nationally. You can reach her at nina.schroder@yahoo.com.

Traveling With A Mood Disorder

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I was diagnosed with bipolar II disorder when I was 14. It has taken me decades to come to grips with what that means, and to be in a place where I’m comfortable talking openly about it. Nowadays, I’m really open, because I work as a travel blogger, connecting with people and places for a living. I actually started my career at a nonprofit office job, thinking that was what I wanted. But the traditional professional life was something I couldn’t live up to, and I frequently used travel to re-center. I’m very lucky to have turned it into a career, because I’ve learned that travel can be one of the most incredible experiences for those of us struggling with our mental health.

For many of us, myself included, it can be hard to get out of bed some days. Depression comes crashing down, and just the thought of moving becomes overwhelming. Needless to say, the idea of journeying to the other side of the world can seem downright impossible.

But I’ve found that waking up in a new place can be very effective in breaking a downward spiral into an extended depression. My brain becomes too preoccupied with learning about a new place to focus on my mood. That said, traveling with a mood disorder also has its perils. So here are some tips and lessons (some of which I learned the hard way). May they help you, too!

Before You Go

Make Sure You Have Enough Medication. Most of us go month-to-month on our meds. That can be a challenge for an extended trip that overlaps with your refill period. I usually work with my doctor to get a two-month’s supply when I know I have a trip coming up to help with that issue. My pharmacy is also aware that I travel often and works with me to push up refill dates if needed.

Brief Travel Companions on Your Needs. Solo travel is easier for me in many ways because I don’t have to justify my emotional needs to anyone. However, when I travel with others, I try to discuss with them what I need (downtime, alone time, etc.) before we go. That way, we can work out systems that allow me to get what I need within the framework of our trip.

For example, I love taking road trips with my father, and it’s something we’ve been doing since I was a little kid. One of the systems we have in place is that when I feel like I need some alone time, we stay at a hotel with one-bedroom suites. He sleeps in the bedroom, and I sleep on the couch in the living room. Just that one wall and a few feet gives me the precious personal space I need.

Plan. For many of us with mood disorders, our anxiety worsens with the unknown—so having a plan can help with that. This doesn’t mean I have every day planned out, but I go into a trip with at least a rough itinerary. I also try to alternate busy days with lighter days to build in some downtime for myself.

While Traveling

Prioritize Self-Care. I refuse to neglect my self-care when traveling. For me, emotional balance begins with a good night’s sleep (at least eight hours, preferably more). I’ve accepted that this means I will rarely enjoy the nightlife in a new place, and I’m okay with that.If your self-care involves exercise, meditation or something else, structure that into your trip. Try to find hotels with fitness centers, room in your suitcase for your meditation materials, or anything else you may need.

Know Your Triggers. Our illnesses (unfortunately) don’t disappear because we’re on vacation. Our triggers are there as well, so we need to continuously pay attention to situations that can activate them. Knowing what our triggers are ahead of time can help us avoid things that might set them off, but sometimes it still happens. What do we do then?

When I was in Japan, I visited the Fushimi Inari Shrine in Kyoto. It was extremely crowded, and at one point, people were all around me, and I felt like I was trapped. I had a panic attack, and I decided that rather than push

through the rest of my day, I would take care of my needs and leave. I told my travel companion that I would meet him back at our hotel, and I left.

Practice Self-Compassion. This one is still hard for me. After a situation like the one in Kyoto, my natural inclination is to be upset with myself. What I (and my illness) needed that day prevented me from seeing a place I wanted to see. While shame, guilt or disappointment might be our natural first reaction, it’s important to then be compassionate with ourselves. Doing what is necessary to maintain balance is hard, and doing it at the expense of something we were looking forward to is even harder. We make tough choices like that every day, but prioritizing our emotional needs is never the wrong choice.

Keep Your Support Structure Engaged. For some people, this means doctors or therapists. For others, like me, it means certain friends and family members. My friend Ana is one of my first calls when I have panic attacks or depression spirals at home. So even when I was in Kyoto, she was my first call when I got back to the hotel. Hearing her voice, even while on the other side of the world, made me feel like I wasn’t helpless or isolated just because I was gone.I do my best to make sure my support structure is aware of what’s going on with me while I’m gone, and I have emergency procedures in place with my therapist and psychiatrist just in case.

After You Return

Update Your Doctor and Therapist. I find it helpful to do a “debrief” with both my psychiatrist and therapist when I return from a trip. What situations did I handle well? What do I wish I would’ve handled differently? How did my meds work in a completely different environment? I believe that we learn by doing, and keeping the professionals we trust informed of our discoveries along the way is important.

Congratulate Yourself. Regardless of whether or not you handled every situation in a way you consider “perfect,” you were able to travel with a mood disorder. That is an accomplishment that needs to be celebrated! Look through your photos, tell stories to your friends, and know that if you did this, you can do anything.

 

Jonathan Berg is a volunteer facilitator for the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance and the founder and editor of the travel blog The Royal Tour (www.theroyaltourblog.com). He struggles to keep his bipolar disorder in check and shares his adventures and struggles with his readers.

https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/August-2018/Traveling-with-a-Mood-Disorder

Spreading Hope Through Peer Support

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What does it mean to be a peer support specialist?

To me, it means providing a voice for people when they struggle in finding their own. It means advocating for people, encouraging their recoveries and even sometimes standing in courtrooms as a show of support. And it often means educating community members and outside providers about First Episode Psychosis (FEP) programs like the Early Assessment and Support Alliance (EASA)—a program where I transformed from a participant to a peer support specialist.

For many, psychosis is a scary experience, and it can be easy to lose hope. When I received my diagnosis, I felt like all hope was lost. I thought my life was over. I thought I was doomed to serve a life sentence, confined to the four walls that enclosed my bedroom in my mother’s basement. That’s a tough pill to swallow at 20 years old. Due to my fear and paranoia, I often found it difficult to leave not only my house, but even my room. I felt completely alone, hurtling in a downward spiral of despair.

This is typical for a person whose experiencing psychosis—to withdraw from those around them. For that reason, psychosis breeds isolation and loneliness. But what made a huge impact for me during this period of isolation was being able to talk with others who understood what I was experiencing. What I needed at that time is exactly what I work to provide for people now: messages of hope. At its core, I view peer support as the strategic use of telling one’s own lived experience as a tool to work with others through their experience.

What Does A Peer Support Specialist Do?

As a peer support specialist, I can meet people where they are comfortable. If they decide they don’t want to meet in the office, I can travel to them. I’ve met people all throughout my community. Often, we even interact via text message to coordinate meetings or just be in contact. Everyone engages in their own way, and I work hard to build rapport and trust with participants and their families.

As a peer support specialist, I work with program participants to help reduce their social isolation. We may look at a participant’s hobbies and interests and use those passions to help reconnect them to their community. The social support that can be gained through hobbies is an important coping strategy for those experiencing psychosis. I work with participants to create organic social supports, so when they move on from our program they have a natural support system in place.

As a peer support specialist, I act as a model for recovery. In the past year, I met a psychiatrist who didn’t even know recovery from psychosis was possible. After sharing my journey with him and combating the idea that a diagnosis is the end-all for patients, it’s my hope that he has changed his message to the patients he works with, potentially creating a dramatic difference in their recovery process.

As a peer support specialist, I work to help people to see diagnoses for what they are: words. A diagnosis is not a definition. See, a word by itself doesn’t have power—it’s merely a series of letters mashed together. The negative connotations associated with the words “psychosis” and “schizophrenia” are learned, taught to us through sources such as the media. And it’s all too easy to take what the media tells us about these diagnoses and use that information to form beliefs about yourself—but a diagnosis says nothing more about you than the color of your hair. What defines each person is theirs to create and own.

As a peer support specialist, I work with people who need me to hold onto their hope for them until they’re ready to hold it for themselves, just as I once needed.